Living in Lewis Land

It snowed at our house last night!

2012-01-20T10:11:00.000-06:00

Remember a month or so ago when THIS VIDEO went viral? A mother videoed the aftermath of an entire bag of flour spread around every nook and cranny of her home by her adorable little boys who were still playing in it - all in a matter of minutes while the mother was in the bathroom. I think every mother was either horrified by it or rolled her eyes at the mother for 'letting' it happen. What struck me was how calm the mother was. I was certain I would have blown a gasket if it were me.

Well, APPARENTLY, when you are in the situation yourself, you are struck dumb (both literally and figuratively) and are fearful that if any sound escapes you, it may set off a subsequent explosion which would surely cause you to become either institutionalized or jailed.

How do I know this, you ask? Well the 'snow' at our house last night - wasn't snow. It was BABY POWDER and it was INSIDE our house minus three very fortunate rooms which seemed to escape the havoc. I am still stupified.

Gianna had an emotionally challenging day yesterday, but we had seem to have turned the tide around later in the afternoon. She was playing dress up in a beautiful ballerina costume and was dancing to classical music. I started making supper, which didn't require too much effort. In less than the time it takes a small pot of water to boil is all it took for the 'snowstorm' to do it's damage.

I am almost always hightly attuned to the sounds of my child and my home and quickly know when something is awry. As I was browning my meat, I heard Gianna's hysterical giggling as she quickly approached the kitchen. As I turned around (this all plays out in slow motion, of course) she appears in the kitchen trailed by multiple clouds of smoke -- skipping all the while with a gleeful expression and the bottle of baby powder I used FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE SHE WAS BORN after her bath earlier.

It was at that very moment, I became mute. I calmly took the bottle out of her hand and escorted her to laundry room where I keep her high chair (which I now use for time out). I was hoping that she had only just begun the powder rampage close to the kitchen, but that hope was quickly shattered as I entered the fog-filled living room. And then I got a glimpse of the hall which led to what I could not even begin to imagine.

HOLY freakin' COW! My room was covered, but certainly not the worst of it. The bathroom was like a WINTER WONDERLAND. It was still floating in the air as I tried to imagine how many hours it would take to clean up this horrible joke of a mess.

It was EVERYWHERE: in the toilet, on the toilet, in the bathtub, in both closets on the picture frames, And don't ask me how there was still powder left in the bottle! Apparently powder fills space very differently when let out of it's container.

First I stared sweeping - one room at a time. That should help, right? HA! Then I dry-mopped. HA! Then I had no other choice to add water to the mix....I wet mopped. Double HA! Four moppings and a regretful steam-cleaning later - it is STILL NOT CLEAN.

Gianna spent a good hour in her high chair last night as I cleaned. She peed on herself and I let her sit in it for about 20 minutes. I thought that was the safest place for her. "I don't want to sit in the chair anymore, Mommy!" My calm response: "Well, I can relate. I don't want to be cleaning powder of my floor, furniture, clothes (she got in my closet too!) all night long either."

She asked to go straight to bed at 6:30pm. I obliged. She raised a little cain when I put her down and I started crying. She started sobbing and sobbing and saying, "I am SO sorry, Mommy. PLEASE forgive me. You HAVE to forgive me. You're my MOMMY!" Heartbreaking.

So, it's the next day. I've been cleaning for another hour and I've yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure I'll be finding powder in unusual places for a good long while.

The funny thing is, Gianna is not the kind of kid who tends to things like this. I'm pretty good about removing temptations or keeping them out of reach. (Apparently I was a little lax after bathtime yesterday.) She's gotten into small things like make up or nail polish but never made enormous messes. From what she told me, she saw the powder and wanted some for her hands. When it came out in cloud form I think it was novel and fun and she got caught up in it. Who knows? Even this morning after our little chat and another apology she told me, "But powder is so much fun!"

My guard is up, little girl! Don't mess with MOMMY!!!!!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was shaking my fist at the heavens last night. It was a hard enough day with this little hiccup. Grief had already left it's mark on us throughout the day. I was another kick in the gut and reminder that Iain is gone. It's hard because he'd have been the one I would have called; who would have found it both appauling and hysterical; who would have told me to leave the mess and rest until he got home; who would have helped clean it - or at least offer to; who would have calmed me and held me and made it all better - or bearable; who would have told the story for years with a sympathetic smile.

Now it's just me - and my blog. :( I miss him.

I sure hope he's enjoying this little show from the other side.

Resorting to Bribery

2012-01-16T23:30:00.000-06:00

I'm a pretty tough mom. My daughter didn't get juice til she was 2 1/2 and I still cut with 3/4 water. She didn't get refined sugar for the LONGEST time and it is still really limited. She was almost three when we actually let her have fast food...and she still has no idea what McDonald's is. I let her have bubble gum for the first time a month ago.

We made tough decisions in the early years and it has served us well.....ESPECIALLY now. All those things that we have been so careful about in the past is now being used as 'currency' as I desperately try to navigate through difficult behavioral situations. I'm desperate. I need bargaining tools - and I think that my years of holding out should allow me to use what I need to keep whatever little sanity I have left these days.

The biggest bribery these days center around the dreaded task of potty training. The whole number one thing wasn't so bad. Gianna's not super into stickers, but M&M's, Skittles and the revered gummy treats have all been marvelous motivation in getting results. Pooping in the potty, however, has been a entirely different beast. Nothing helped even a little bit to convince her to get down to business and relieve her fears. (And that fear was due to a horrible bought of constipation over the summer - which REALLY set us back!) I was pulling out all the stops, promising her the moon, all for naught.....so I thought.

Apparently I was desperate enough to stumble upon the right bargaining chip at the right time. Hail to you, Oh Disney Princesses! Snow White has come to my aid. I had bought a Snow White costume and a Snow White wig prior to Christmas and decided to hold off giving them to her. I am SO glad for that inspiration. When we were making a bit of progress I showed it to her and her eyes nearly popped out of her head. I quickly hid it away and reminded her that she wouldn't see it again until we had some serious success.

Well, Gianna plays Snow White all the time and she was just beside herself as she imagined having a costume to wear as she acted out the story over and over. BINGO. One day, with a little sneaky prodding from Mom, she hit the jackpot. Oh, the joy. Oh, the dancing. Oh, the cheering.

And then, a princess was born. I give you - Snow White:

She's hard to recognize with black hair!

Thank heavens I videoed her when I put the costume on the first time. Her voice was immediately raised an octave or two and she got right into character.

Here's to bribery and here's to Snow White!

Code Red!

2012-01-15T15:38:00.000-06:00

Oh the drama! Who would have thought my decision about my iPhone would cause such a ruckus.

Gianna has been playing with our phones since she was little. Iain had tons of education apps on his phone and taught her so much by playing with her. Well, Daddy's not here anymore and I don't have a whole lot of time to play around with that.

So now, I really only let her use my phone when:
1) We are driving back from LC to MB and I don't want her to fall asleep in the car. You moms know what a 25 minute power nap will do for a preschooler!
2) When I am grocery shopping and she is getting antsy or tired and I need to avoid any possible 'issues.'
3) We are in a restaurant for longer than expected.

The Netflix app has really saved me. And Gianna is really good about asking me, "Is this a good show for me?"

Anyway, she's been hijacking my phone at home recently and it was irritating the tar out of me. I don't know why, but it never occurred to me to put a security code on it until my friend told me she did it after her 10 year old started questioning her about some of her texts. Ruh-roh!

So, I did it.

I was not at all prepared, however, for the severe reaction it would get. Holy cannoli. She sobbed for a good five minutes, and the compassionate mother I am, decided to record the conversation following....

Just a little off the top...

2012-01-14T09:07:00.000-06:00

The week after Iain died I was trying to find fun little excursions for Gianna. I happened to pass the children's haircutting place by my folks' house and pulled in to trim up her hair. Fun little experience.

Last week, I went back again only to find out the would be closing their doors that very day. (That was a short run!) The sylist was a girl I knew years ago and Gianna chatted with her like she was a grown up. Here how the conversation went:

Gianna: And what is your name?
Stylist: Michelle
Gianna: Hi Ms. Michelle, I'm Gianna. I'm frwee.
Stylist: Hi Gianna, it's so nice to meet you.
Gianna: It's nice to meet you too. Do you have any little kids?
Stylist: I have two kids, they're teenagers.
Gianna: Oh. Do you have a house?
Stylist: Yes I do.
Gianna: Oh....well, would you like to show me a picture of your house?
Stylist: I don't have one with me. How old are you again?
Gianna: Frwee. And you should be careful with those scissors. Don't cut yourself!

The next week when I told her that I needed to get Ms. Michelle to give me a haircut, she laughed hysterically. I asked her what was so funny about that and she said, "Mommy, you can't fit in the firetruck!!!" Funny kid.

Mass Appeal

2012-01-12T21:44:00.003-06:00

As a mother of a 3 year old, often the longest hour of my week is during Mass on Sunday. These last few months I've been church-hopping a bit just to change things up a bit in order to keep Gianna's attention. It's worked fairly well and she really has improved tremendously.

I noticed she beginning to play church fairly often and always wanted me to stand in line for communion (or commillion - as she calls it.) Not long after that a friend on Facebook posted about a children's mass kit that Wee Believers puts out.

It's cute as can be but costs SEVENTY BUCKS! How riduculous is that? I suggested that she could probably make one of her own with things she already had. (Don't you hate when people suggest those things.) Well, I started thinking about it and thought I would compile a few things to make our own mass kit.

I'm not quite done but I've had fun with my little project.

I used mostly plastic or melamine pieces that I spraypainted with brown Krylon spraypaint for plastic. I used an unbreakable bathroom cup that wasn't spraypainted becasue I knew she'd have her mouth on it.

I found those little battery powered votive lights. I had an extra liturgy of the hours that I had packed away - but any old book would do since she doesn't read. I had some white felt that I doubled up, cut into circles and glued together to make them a little sturdier.

Well, I gave it to her today and she immediately got into Liturgy mode. I was surprised at how much she was able to re-enact. Of course, there was a fair amount of Gianna's creative flair added, but all in all, it was sweet for a three year old.

Although the priesthood is out of reach for her, she may very well have a future in some sort of liturgical ministry and I'm excited to have this teaching tool so early in her little life.

Back to Bloggin'

2012-01-11T20:40:00.001-06:00

Gee whiz - it's been a whole month since I've posted! I think that's the longest I've gone. I certainly didn't intend to be an absentee blogger, but surviving a gruesome wave of grief as well as the holidays and a visit from my inlaws all became my major focus. Survival always seems to be my focus these days.

Interestingly, after the holidays I feel like I have hit an emotional plateau. In other words, there are hours, even days when I am not leveled by unrelenting grief. I know it won't last forever, and I don't even know if it's another phase of numbness, but it is nice to be able to breathe for extended bits of time. It's also the first time that Gianna and I are having good, melt-down free moments at the same time. That's been SO helpful.

Another reason for my blogging absence is that I don't really know how to blog during the intense grief without freaking people out. I'm still working through that and have decided I might keep a private blog just for me to record unedited feelings and experiences.

I have come to realize what a valuable processing tool this blog has become for me when I received an email from a precious friend who quoted a post I'd written shortly after Iain died. I was moved by the quote and then finally discovered it was me she was quoting. It helped me to realize that uncensored, stream of consciousness writing comes from a raw, real place from deep within and that I need to allow it to pour out of me. It can be cleansing, inspired and authentic - and helpful for later down the road. Anyway, even though I don't always enjoy the discipline of writing - I do enjoy and appreciate having written.

So, I'm back. In an effort to catch up with all my 2011 posts so I can have my Blog Book printed, I'm going to be pumping out the posts and they'll probably be out of order. I might back date them so most people won't notice, but if keep up through a reader service - watch out. :) Buckle up for a deluge of posts, pictures, videos, updates, etc.

Thank you for all of you who are praying for me/us.

This weeks mark the five month mark. Unbelievable. You've prayed us this far - please don't stop. This isn't a sprint: it's a marathon.
(Not a big fan of marathons these days.)

Intermission Entertainment

2011-12-11T17:25:00.000-06:00

We went to see Sesame Street Live at the Civic Center yesterday.

Gianna was thrilled, to say the least. The show was cute, but CLEARLY for little ones (unlike the Disney Princess Fairytale show last month that had me wanting a meet and greet with the characters!)

(This is Gianna when we got out of the car at the Civic Center and I told her why we were there.)

The BIG highlight was that we had front row seats and the characters came right up to us and Gianna managed to charm her way right into the arms of Super Grover, Abby Cadaby, Zoe, Tely, Ernie and a few other Sesame Street superstars. It really was SO exciting. She kept squealing, "I can't believe this!" and "Hey, can I go on the big stage with them?"

Well, who needs a big stage when you have a few square feet in the Civic Center with some background music and an already assembled audience? Not my little girl! I couldn't stop laughing at her performance. Want a taste of it? I thought you might. :)

Princess Play

2011-12-09T20:39:00.001-06:00

My sister-in-law surprised us with a package a few weeks ago containing the ultimate dress-up princess dress. It's a white Cinderella dress that looks like a miniature wedding gown. So precious.

Pretend play. Princesses. Girly girls.

No more toddlers....we've got little girls on our hands.

Oh what fun.

A Widow's Peek....

2011-12-01T10:32:00.000-06:00

Widow. Ugh. And I thought the term 'housewife' bothered me! Oh how I would love to trade in my widow card for my housewife card. And then just throw 'single-mother' title into the mix and you have a whole bag of fun.

I'm 3 1/2 months into this world of widow-hood and it's as brutal as you might expect. Lately, the waves of grief crash with unrelenting force and there is little time between them. I can feel them coming on, almost like an emotional contraction, and as I take my cleansing breath I wonder how many hours or days the next set of waves will last before I might breathe again.

Gianna says it best when she declares, "I just wish Daddy will stop dying." That's what it feels like to me too: he keeps dying - and our hearts keep breaking - over and over and over. It's exhausting. It's gripping. It's hollowing. It's isolating. It's lonely. It's humbling. It's excruciating. It's the most vulnerable I've ever been. It's my existence right now....and I won't lie --- I don't like any of it.

I miss him. My soul aches. I have no words to describe the pain of longing and missing and wanting things to be different. Sometimes I feel like a spoiled child yelling, "I don't want to do this anymore." I have fantasies about God coming to me and saying, "Oh Maria, what a trial you've had to endure. I'm so proud of you and how you have dealt with this, so as I reward I will be making all things as they should be. Go and get ready because I will be sending Iain back to you and Gianna in his happiest and healthiest state."

Oh, don't worry ~ I'm not delusional. Trust me when I tell you that I am very grounded in my reality these days. I just don't happen to like my reality ~ AT ALL. I know I'm not the only one. I often think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done.” Luke: 22:42 I'm certainly not in the position to assume what Jesus' actual feelings were, but he wasn't just fully divine - he was also fully human, and in believing in his humanity, I would have to guess that he wasn't so excited about his cross either. His faithfulness is what we remember ("not my will but yours be done,") but his faithfulness doesn't erase his humanity ("take this cup away from me"). That's where I am....feeling the reality and depths of my humanity.

I think people assume because I am a woman of faith, that these kind of trials and crosses are somehow easier. People have said to me, "You'll be fine. You have such strong faith. If anyone can handle this, you can." I know they mean well, but it's almost offensive to me and it really invalidates my very human, very painful grief. Oh, I can write a book on what helps and what doesn't in dealing with someone who is grieving - maybe not a book - but a post is in the works, for sure.

I am not writing this glimpse into my grief to gain sympathy or pity. (Trust me, I get looks of pity all the time - and it's not so fun.) I just think people see me (and Gianna) in public fairly often - doing what we do - living our lives with whatever semblance of normalcy we can - and there is an assumption that life isn't so hard. People often tell me that are so impressed that we are doing so well. Sometimes I correct them, "Oh, I'm not okay - but I am managing." I feel like an absolute WRECK 90% of the time.

I'm learning how much energy it takes to do 'normal' things - especially in public. Going to birthday parties, weddings (brutal), and church (longest hour of my week) are not always miserable - but it takes every bit of energy to survive them. Even just to grocery shop it takes me isles and isles of Hail Mary's just to make it to the car without losing it. And just because you don't see me cry or Gianna fall apart - doesn't me we don't.

There are SO many people who are struggling with all sorts of pain and grief which I'm sure is amplified during this holiday season - you know, the happiest time of the year. I wonder how many people in our lives are begging to be reached out to and are suffering in silence as the rest of us complain about too many party invitations, how we'll manage to get our shopping done and how we don't have anything to wear for Christmas day. Yeah, it's all small potatoes, folks. Even if you pick an angel off a tree at the mall to buy presents for, even if you donate a Christmas basket at church - this just a reminder to actually connect to with real people - in person (facebook and texting is a nice 2nd best - but isn't the same as a phonecall or visit).

* * * * * * * * * * *

Before I close, I do want to say that there are times of joy and fun and normalcy in my daily life. I know I seem morose - and I am, I guess - but I am not hopeless or without faith - just walking through the fire of this journey of grief. The very best thing that people tell me is that they are praying for us - all of us - Iain too. Thank you to all those people who have continued to lift us in prayer. May you be richly blessed.

Jelly Book vol. 8

2011-11-22T07:53:00.000-06:00

I've been keeping a Jelly Book for three years now, documenting all the things Gianna says and does that I don't want to forget. Here's my Fall 2011 entry:
* * * * * * * * * * *

I know lots of folks like the kids show Yo Gabba Gabba. I, however, am not one of them. The silliness is excessive and it just annoys me to no end. (Not to mention the fact that the one episode she saw was about the tooth fairy which caused to be terrified that 1) her teeth were going to one day fall out and 2) someone was going to come into her room at night while she was sleeping and reach under her pillow and take them. Lovely.

Anyhoo, one day a preview of the show came on Nick Jr. and she says to me,

"Okay Mommy, I know you do not care for Yo Gabba Gabba, but I DO care for Yo Gabba Gabba. Do you think we can work something out?"

She says she wants to a doctor but, we just may have an attorney on our hands, folks.

* * * * * * * * * *

We got Gianna got some cute little brown expensive Mary Janes for really cheap. This is the conversation that happened after she put them on.

G: Mommy these shoes don't fit.

Me: Are they too big or too small.

G: Ummm...too small.

Me: (checking the fit) Gianna, look at all this room for your toes.

G: Yeah, well - Mommy (pause) I just don't really like them.

Me: Gianna these are so cute.

G: Mommy, they look like Santa shoes!

Me: Hahahahaha

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Often when she's frustrated, disappointed or angry she'll say:

"Oh, this is just impossible!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Me: Gianna, you don't like that cookie? (after she took one bite)

G: No Mommy, I'm not a big fan.

* * * * * * * * * *

I haven't really introduced the concept of a Christmas list or a letter to Santa - just because I don't want the whole focus to be about 'getting.' Well, a precious 11 year old friend filled her in today and asked her what she was going to ask Santa to bring her. She quickly replied,

"A Barbie Jeep and some Christmas Eggs."

Hmm. We may need a little remediation on holiday symbols.

* * * * * * * * *

I was rinsing the shampoo out of her hair and she said,

"Ahhhh.....easy as pie."

* * * * * * * * * *

Lately when I give her something Gianna replies,

"Thank you, your majesty."

(And no, I didn't train her to say that...nor do I correct her! :)

When you're having a rough day with the kids....

2011-11-21T14:00:00.002-06:00

...just watch this and be consoled by the fact that it could be worse!

G Speaks

2011-11-20T08:21:00.000-06:00

Every now and then I remember to video a conversation with Gianna at various stages in her development. I asked if I could interview her - with the reward of a lollipop. She'll do almost anything for a lollipop (except poop on the dang potty!) Anyway - this is really for me for my video vault - but I thought some of my family and friends might get a kick out of it.

Potty Training Hell

2011-11-17T22:56:00.004-06:00

Oh crum. I had this post saved in a draft and didn't realize it was saved for later publication. I wasn't planning on posting until we had complete success. Oh well.

Back in May 2011

We've been potty-training. For almost two weeks I hardly left the house. Torturous. She has had remarkable success IF she walks around 'bottomless'. It certainly is something to be proud of, however, that behavior might throw a wrench in our social endeavors. And while she totally gets the idea of it - she's definitely not bought into the concept yet.

And for Gianna, I think it's more about the reward than it is about the milestone. She is totally motivated purely by those little gummy treats. She actually tries to 'make' herself urinate just to earn a little gummy treat. One day she announced her potty success and invited me to "Come and see...and let's go get a treat." The potty was dry and I said, "Gianna, there's nothing in your potty." Her reply...

"Well, I know, but can I just have a gummy treat?"

We tried underwear, which she loves, but it must give her that familiar security she's used to and she doesn't want to bother with the removal of them.

Not long after she donned her first pair of Tinkerbell undies she told me,

"Oh wow....that sure is hot."

"What's hot, Gianna?"

"My teetee on my legs."

One step forward, two steps back.

We even had success in the #2 department. The first day we wore ourselves jumping up and down for joy. I've been horrified by people taking pictures of their kids' first poop in the potty. It was during the day and I'm ashamed to say I even took a picture - which I have edited for you all so as not to lose my loyal 7 readers. Actually, I texted the unedited picture to Iain because I knew he'd never believe me.

Girl Interrupted

Then we went on vacation to Florida for a week and a half and really threw a wrench in our training efforts. We started back up upon arrival home and then our house went under contract. The goal was to re-start once we moved into our new house. Well, that fell through...and then a week later Iain died. Yeah, let's go ahead and add a grieving mom and pre-schooler to the mix. That's added quite a bit of resistence. She completely breaks down if I mention sitting on the potty to poop. It's really quite pitiful. "I'm just a little kid! I'm NOT big. I just can't DO this anymore." Tell me about it!

I honestly couldn't give a flip if she's potty trained right now. I love the convenience of it and not having to scope out decent bathrooms in every place we visit/shop/eat. The problem comes into play that I'm struggling to keep my head above water these days and could really use a mother's day out once or twice a week. I recently called our church with is right up the road and was so excited about their program. As I was getting ready to hang up, I had the presence of mind to ask about their potty training policy. "Oh - they definitely have to be potty trained." I cried for an hour.
I decided that I'm going to start praying to Padre Pio for assistance in this area.

No, he's not the patron saint of potty training (I'm pretty sure there's not one) but I chose him because of his initials.
(P.P. -- Ha!!)

M&M's and Skittles worked well at first (for #1) and then candy corn came in to save the day. At this point there are no prizes or charts that really entice her but guess what has caught her attention? An invitation to Disneyworld once she's got dry panties for a month or so! Okay, that's extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures and I am planning on taking her in the spring anyway. So, between Padre Pio and Mickey I'm looking for some serious results in the coming months.

Vintage Tee

2011-11-14T18:01:00.001-06:00

Going through old boxes and found some keepsakes from my eighth grade year THIRTY YEARS AGO! I found an old cheerleader tshirt that might make a nice little pajama alternative.

Stylin'

Silly little girl.

All Soul's Day

2011-11-12T14:52:00.001-06:00

November 2nd was All Soul's Day, and there was a beautiful candlelight Mass at the cemetery where Iain was buried. The liturgy, music, homily were spirit-filled and consoling.

Following the mass, the priests when to each grave of those gathered in prayer and blessed it and their families. It was a special way to reverence our newly departed husband/daddy.

Gianna has a lollipop because she was an absolute angel during Mass.

(I was nervous since it was so late.)

I should have waited to be nervous the following Sunday.

Church is challenging these days.

Pray for us.

Brought to you by the Letter "G" and the Number "11"

2011-11-11T09:49:00.000-06:00

For all you Gleeks, this is a Sesame Street Spoof on the show - called "G" - So darn clever.

And how 'bout the nifty date today? 11-11-11!
Saying a prayer of thanksgiving for all those who have served our country and sacrificed so much - as well as their families.

Muddy Puddles

2011-11-10T07:06:00.001-06:00

Lately, Gianna has become smitten with a sweet little British cartoon: Peppa Pig. There little five minute short videos are strung together to form a 30 minute show found on Nick Jr. As a matter of fact, Gianna started calling Iain, "Datty" before he died and it took us a weeks to realize she was sporting her best British accent.

Anyway, this cute little family of pigs LOVE muddy puddles and pounce about giggling all the while.

Gianna thought it was more than enticing when she found a muddy trough on the firetruck at the park. I heard a maniacal laugh and saw mud and water flying all about.

Looks like someone was recreating her favorite cartoon.

Gross.

AND it was much colder than we anticipated. Good job, Mommy.

And this little runt may have well been a pig. She could not have been happier.

Hmmm. Do you think the laughing adults and the videotaping momma were helpful in deterring the behavior?

Skype

2011-11-09T19:20:00.001-06:00

We've been video chatting quite a lot lately. Iain's family all live far away, my brother's been in Florida for several months and I even have a friend in Thailand who we've skyped with. Well, my parents wanted in on the fun (even though they only live 14 miles away), so they got their computer guy to hook them up. Not sure who's having more fun, Gianna or MeMaw and PePaw.

Watching them online made me laugh and think of a recently video of an older couple that went viral not long ago. Hope you laugh....

"Whatever Jesus Sings"

2011-11-08T12:51:00.000-06:00

I finally dug her karaoke machine out of storage - and she's definitely making up for lost time.

I also retrieved the keyboard which she played around with this morning. It has quite a few programmed songs and she sang along to her favorite christmas carol. She's a little rusty on the lyrics, but I sorta liked her version.

"Whatever Jesus Sings" That's a classic!

Comin' and Geaux-in

2011-11-06T08:57:00.006-06:00

Comin'

Yesterday Gianna and I had a big treat. Two of Iain's closest friends from college and young adulthood came to visit. Carrie, Dave and Iain attended the University of Kansas ("Rock Chalk Jayhawk" -- which is the wierdest spirit chant of any school I know!) back in the day and all migrated to Lake Charles for a brief chapter as they began their engineering careers. So gald Iain stayed in LC!!

(This was taken several years ago when we visit KU in Lawrence, KS.

I'll bet he's not missing posing for silly pictures at the request of his wife.)

These days Carrie lives in Houston and Dave and his family are now in Denver.

I was humbled and thrilled that they made the trek to visit us. They had never met Gianna, so they were sweet enough to spend time with her.

She ate it up.

I know Iain's heart must've been full. Mine was.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Geaxin'

Okay, I'm not a big sports fan. I do enjoy a good game when I have the time and attention span to sit and watch, but it doesn't happen often. I have no emotional or personal attachment to LSU. It's just part of the culure in this area. I did happen to catch the LSU vs. Alabama game yesterday. (Okay, well, parts of it as I flipped back and forth to HGTV (hoppin' Saturday night in Lewis Land.)

Maybe she'll be more into sports than her mom and dad.
(And to show you how into sports I am - I originally posted LSU vs Auburn - and was kindly correctly by a TRUE fan.)

Or maybe she'll just look cute in game day colors.

Makes no matter to this momma.

I love this girl to her core.

Pumpkin Patch

2011-11-03T10:33:00.000-05:00

In 2008 we took Gianna and our godchild to the Pumpkin Patch the day before Halloween, only to discover it was closed for the season. Thankfully some friends had decorated their yard and let us take pictures there.

In 2009 Gianna was newly toddling...

In 2010 it had officially become tradition...

Well, during the last hour it was open for the 2011 season, we finally made a visit to the pumpkin patch. It was Halloween Day in fact and I just didn't want this year to be the year we didn't go. Iain and I always took her and boy, did I miss his help this year. She wasn't poorly behaved, it's just the wrangling and trying to snap a few shots that always takes so much effort. We did it though.

Me. Want. Coooookie!!!!

2011-11-01T15:50:00.001-05:00

I guess in my attempt to make sure that we keep 'embracing life' in the wake of Iain's death - I made an extra to make Halloween special for Gianna. Iain loved celebrating Halloween with her and got the biggest kick out of seeing her dressed up. He was always my biggest cheerleader in my attempts to make or assemble her costumes. So, in his honor I made her this Cookie Monster costume.

I saw the idea somewhere on Etsy for almost $50 and was convinced I could make it for much less. Sometimes my frugal determination gets the best of me, but this project wasn't so bad. I spent about $10 thanks to my Hobby Lobby coupons. Am I the only slowpoke out there who didn't know you could pull up a digital coupon on your smart phone? So helpful!

We only made three stops for the big day. No trunk or treats or anything like that.

First stop was to see our godchild, Nate. How beautiful is this four year old?

Aren't posed pictures are so challenging at this age...

...these two lost interest FAST.

It's always nice to have a costume big enough for momma to hide behind...

We went to my parents house and just Trick or Treated at a few houses.

Met up with a sweet friend along the way. Matthew was the cutest Mickey.
He's also the cutest Matthew.

It was funny watching her Trick or Treat.

I neglected to mention that she shouldn't walk INTO the people's homes or help herself to candy from their bowl or make requests for her favorites.

"You got any lollipops?"

I'll have to remember to do some better training next year.

One of my parents neighbors and friend of mine suggested I ride her bicycle with baby trailer to her husband who was several houses ahead of us. She said her baby would be tired and her husband could chauffeur the kids. I wish you could have seen my hauling my cookie monster down the block. And wouldn't you know, her husband rolled his eyes (very sweetly) and said he wasn't interested. (Couldn't blame him one bit!)

His wife showed up later and took both Isaiah and Gianna to go find her older daughter. She came back with ANOTHER bag of candy. The kid probably didn't go to a dozen houses in total and came home with some SERIOUS loot.

It was a nice evening. So happy for the blessing of my little Cookie Monster.

So sad that our family photos just seem so empty. Missing Iain. :(

Under the Weather

2011-10-28T21:35:00.000-05:00

Well, the good news is that she doesn't get sick often. The few times she gets sick you can bet it's on a weekend. Fever followed by a cold. Not so bad....well, except for the fact that we had plans to attend a super fun 4 year old's birthday party and I managed to let a precious convince me to let Gianna spend the night and part of the weekend with her and her kids to give me a little breathing room. Well, that went to pot with the fever that began.

We've already been a little stir crazy lately, but the whole sick thing really did both of us in. Of course the Children's Clinic dissuaded us from coming in on Sunday (Does that irk anyone else? I figure if I'm paying the bill, they shouldn't question us being seen by a doctor. Grrrr.) I got irritated and took her to Urgent Care here in the Bluff (which is quite a colorful story in itself which I'll save for another post.) Long story short - she was given antibiotics and we stayed under the radar for quite a few days, missing birthday parties (she cried for DAYS) and ballet and other fun opportunities of freedom. We did have a few entertaining moments at home throughout her convalescence.

Silly, Silly sick girl:

Shepherd Me, O God

2011-10-16T23:56:00.004-05:00

If you read my last post, you’ll know that I spoke at the Scripture Service the night before the funeral. I felt the need to share my heart, my husband and the circumstances surrounding his death.

Although I’m not sure actually everything I said, I will share the notes from which I spoke:

The night before the funeral events began, I was kept awake all night by a rotten and very painful eye infection. My eye was so irritated and light sensitive I could hardly keep them open. I looked and felt dreadful. I finally got some medication the morning of the wake, but I still was still squinting, blinking and tearing which I’m sure made me look even more pathetic than I already was.

I began by sharing that my close friend suggested I wear an eye patch to help get me through the day. I couldn’t help but laugh at that thought. Ahhh…the widow with an eye patch. Epic. I hope you thought that was funny, Iain Lewis! (I later discovered that I was wearing two different shoes that entire day. No wondered people felt so sorry for me!)

“I am sure that as I stand before you in this packed room, I am the object of much sympathy and pity. I must tell you, that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am the luckiest person here right now. One, for the love and support and prayers that are being poured out on me and most importantly, because I have had the privilege of knowing and loving and being loved but this precious man whose life we celebrate.

Eight years ago today, Iain Lewis ask me to be his wife. People who have known me for a long time, know how LONG I waited to find (and be found by) my husband. I waited and waited – sometimes not so patiently – for God’s plan to unfold. And then along came my dream come true.

Those of you who attended our wedding can witness to the love we had and the remarkable celebration we experienced that day. As I stand here today being enveloped by this powerful choir of voices echoed with equal power and prayer by the voices of the assembly, I am overwhelmed by the beauty and by the remembrance of a similar experience at our wedding. The similarity of these two events are amazing and interestingly, they are the bookends of our marriage.

Our marriage was beyond blessed, but it was not without it’s challenges. Some were challenges of circumstance and some were relational and internal. The most powerful, by far, was the challenge that the disease of depression brought. This was not the “I’m feeling a little down” kind of depression, but the paralyzing kind that distorts thought processes, affects physiology, and has the power to convince you that you are not worthy and life might be better without you.

With the exception of his doctor, counselor and myself, almost no one knew of this struggle. Iain was very private and very proud (to a fault – by his own admission.) Even though I struggle with the fact that I (we) did not share this with others and feel a certain amount of responsibility in light of recent events, I viewed it as a sacred trust of our marriage. He was working his program: receiving counseling, taking medication, seeking spiritual direction, reading Scripture, and even programmed his phone to remind him to pray every hour. He even appeased me by keeping a journal and sharing it with me. The entries are beautiful, authentic, vulnerable and amazingly insightful. I feel his efforts in battling this disease were valiant. These things didn’t come naturally to him and weren’t easy for him, which made me even more proud of him. His spiritual journey was inspiring to me.

The Iain we knew and loved wouldn’t hurt a fly and would never intentionally bring pain to anyone – especially those he loved. I don’t feel like this was something that was calculated near as much as it was a moment: a moment when the grip of depression took hold and skewed his thoughts so profoundly that this solution made sense to him.

I know that people are concerned for me and Gianna and our future. I assure you that we will be okay. I haven’t lost my faith or my hope. That doesn’t mean we won’t have to walk through the fire. We will certainly have a cross to carry, but I refuse to let depression have any more casualties in this family.

A couple of months ago, Iain shared with me that a song that was sung at Mass had since become his mantra and greatest prayer. It was a song based on the 23^rd Psalm written by Marty Haugen called, “Shepherd Me, O God”. The refrain goes, “Shepherd Me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into life.” It reminds me of how he really tried to change the course of this disease that was obviously much bigger than even I could imagine.

Most people knew the story of how our beautiful daughter Gianna came to us. Anyone who has spent more than five minutes with her knows what a radiant beam of joy she is. And, oh – how she lit up the world of her Daddy. The night we got “The Call” telling us that there was a baby for us was amazing. We had been through so much already with miscarriage, failed adoptions, empty waiting, etc. it was almost hard to believe that the tide had turned. When I told Iain that they said we had a baby girl who was waiting for her parents to pick her up – we were both beside ourselves. The adoption worker reminded us that the birthmother couldn’t sign over her rights until the baby was five days old and that she had a legal right to change her mind until then. She offered for the baby to be placed in a temporary home until the fifth day when it would be a ‘sure thing.’ When I told that to Iain and asked what he thought we should do, his response was immediate: “Let’s go pick up our baby girl.” I think I fell in love with him all over again in that moment.

I never heard Iain laugh so much and so hard, until Gianna came into our lives. Every night before we went to sleep, he’d always quote “Gianna-isms” in her voice and act out the funny things she would do.

I will miss the laughter he brought to my world. He could make me laugh so hard. I remember on a trip to Hot Springs, we convinced ourselves that it would be fun to experience the bathhouses that the quaint city it famous for. We each went in separate doors of the bathhouse for our interesting experiences which might be considered traumatizing for people who are painfully modest. Several hours later we walked toward each other in front of the bath house with our eyes as wide as saucers. I was so horrified I couldn’t even speak. He obviously had a similar experience to mine and managed to squeak out the words, “I’ve been violated.” I doubled over in laughter. I still laugh remembering that moment.

I’m going to miss his love, his adoration for me and Gianna, his desire to provide for and take care of us, his encouragement and support and counsel. I’m going to miss praying with him and laughing with him and planning our lives together. Iain Lewis, I am proud to have had you as my husband and I am proud that Gianna that has the best Daddy on the planet. I will love you all the days of my life – and beyond.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Shepherd Me, O God (Psalm 23)

Shepherd me, O God beyond my wants,

beyond my fears, from death into life.

God is my shepherd, so nothing shall I want,

I rest in the meadows of faithfulness and love,

I walk by the quiet waters of peace.

Gently you raise me and heal my weary soul,

You lead me by pathways of righteousness and truth,

my spirit shall sing the music of your Name.

You have set me a banquet of love

in the face of hatred,

crowning me with love beyond my pow’r to hold.

Surely your kindness and mercy follow me

all the days of my life;

I will dwell in the house of my God forevermore.

I am...

2011-10-13T14:40:00.005-05:00

I am still here.

I am surviving.

I am overwhelmed.

I am lonesome.

I am broken.

I am blessed.

There are a million thoughts and feelings and memories and longings I have floating around in my head and heart and I have no idea how to channel them into blog posts. I have about seven different ones started, but I don't manage to be able to weave my words well enough.

What I thought I might do is just write about things from the funeral week that I want to remember and Gianna to know one day. Maybe doing so will help jump start my thought process.

I guess if I'm describing that first week, I should mention a few things of importance.

First off, in case you didn't know: Iain's death was a suicide. It was as shocking as you would imagine it to be. (I apologize if you're learning about this for the first time here on my blog.)  I feel it is important to be honest about his cause of death for a number of reasons....one being that he suffered from depression (as MANY of us do - or have in the past) and I don't want that stigma of depression or suicide to keep people from getting proper help. I promise to address this issue at another time.

Secondly, I was the one who found him. I was alone (G was at my parent's house) returning from a wedding that he was supposed to meet me at. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that it was the darkest hour of my life. I called to of my long-time friends/brothers who are priests and they came immediately and stayed with me all day. They were my strength that day as I had to tell my daughter, our families and our friends of the tragic news. I can't really describe what I felt -- maybe because most of it was numbness and nausea. For almost two days I couldn't cry.    I have always relied on my emotions to work my way through various situations - but I was completely unplugged. Apparently, that's not uncommon at all with those who've experienced such traumatic events. My pastor told me that it could be as long as a couple of weeks before I was able to feel. My tears returns after a couple of days, but the real grief didn't really hit until several weeks after.

I'm certain that it was God's protective grace that allowed that numbness to fall upon me. It enabled me to care for our daughter, to make challenging phone calls, take care of unpleasant business, make difficult decisions and to plan a funeral. Thank God for my family, my friends and especially my brother who came from Florida to help me take care of the things I needed to.

As I mentioned before, Gianna was an ol' pro at funeral home visits, so I wasn't super concerned about her being there the whole time during the wake. She was a delight and spent some amazing and tender moments with her daddy. I let her do whatever she needed to in order for the experience to be meaningful and special. She blessed her daddy, caressed him, laid on him (with me holding her) and whispered precious things to him. I am so glad she had that special time and that so many people engaged her and entertained her throughout the LONG day.

I decided I wasn't going to approach any of the funeral week with dread. That only seems to manifest useless anxiety. I looked at each difficult task as something that was one step closer to healing and an opportunity for grace.

We got to the funeral home at 10am for the family viewing and visitation was from 11:00am til 9:00pm. L - O - N - G !!! Msgr. Danny Torres and Bishop Provost met us there and prayed with us. That was a nice way to begin the day. Being there with Iain in a casket wasn't as horrible as you might imagine. It was strangely comforting, actually. Being able to be physically close to him before our finally goodbye was a gift...and also a reminder that really - that was no longer him. He was out of pain and in a good place.

Then came the people. Holy cannoli. It was truly unbelievable. The people who came just absolutely touched my heart. Iain's co-workers from both plants he worked at came broken-hearted speaking nothing but beautiful, glowing, touching things about my special husband. It broke my heart to see their hearts broken. Friends from years past - from different chapters of Iain's life (and my life too.)There were family and family friends who flew (and drove) from FAR away to be with us. I was overwhelmed. There were people who came that only knew us from seeing us at church. There were acquaintances who came because they shared a similar loss and wanted to offer support. There were my former youth minister kids (spanning a decade or so) who just completely surprised me by taking the time to come - some from hours away just to hug me. One of my precious girls drove from Shreveport with her beautiful two week old baby girl. I could hardly speak.

One of my dear friends who is also no stranger to loss and grief had called me a day or so after Iain died and told me that I would become a receptor for other people's pain and that their stories would envelope me like tentacles. (She's quite poetic!) That became evident after several hours of visiting. It was astounding to hear people's experience of depression, suicide, loss and the like. I feel honored that people shared so candidly with me.

My pastor in Moss Bluff (who is quite a hoot) had told me the day after Iain died that I better get ready to forgive people because some folks were going to say some foolish things. He was right. I thought there would be many more than there were - but there were some well-meaning folks who probably need to say less. Oh, and not that I've never said anything that I wish I hadn't or that I later discovered may have been insensitive. It's not a judgement as much as an observation.

Monsignor Dubois (our current pastor) prayed a beautiful rosary at 3pm. He prayed over Iain's parents and over me. One of the things that he said was, "You have fulfilled your vows ('til death do us part')...." I still crumble when I hear those words. I still can't believe I am no longer married. Even though my 'vows are fulfilled' my love for him hasn't changed. Honestly, I think I love him ever more now....if that's even possible.  It seems bizarre to be a mom of a three year old and have the title of widow. *sigh*

That evening was the vigil/scripture service. Father Whitney Miller, who has been a longtime friend and a special part of Iain's faith journey, was the presider. The music was just magnificent. Sister Camille Martinez, another longtime friend, allowed me to help choose the readings and plan the music and graciously included SO MANY people to lift their voices in prayer. It was awe-inspiring.

Father Whitney's description of his experience of Iain was just beautiful....and accurate. He spoke of how whenever he was in conversation with Iain - even after Mass when there was a church-full of visiting people, that he felt that he and Iain were the only ones alone in the room. He talked about the gift Iain had of being acutely 'present' to the people he came in contact with. That was the same sentiment echoed from all those who knew Iain both professionally or personally. He also talked about the gift of his sense of humor....which I have been been missing so much lately.

It was important for me to speak on Iain's behalf that night. I had a front-row seat in Iain's life and I had an even better view of his heart. There was no way I could let the opportunity pass without sharing my perspective. In my next post, I will include what I shared that night. (To be continued...)

* * * * * * *

For those who were asking if I have a Facebook Page for the blog - I do. It's HERE. I haven't done much with it except add my blog post links.

Outside

2011-09-26T08:10:00.003-05:00

Well, autumn may not have made it's way down to Southwest Louisiana quite yet, but the temperatures have allowed us to go outside for more than 30 seconds at a time without the risk of melting.

When we took a blanket outside to lie down and watch the clouds, Gianna put her hands behind her head and sighed,

"Ahhhh......the sounds of nature."

(I laughed so hard I could hardly catch my breath. I asked where she heard that before. "Peppa Pig," she said, "when they were camping.")

Some of precious friends came to visit and spent some time with Gianna.

She was eating it up.

And Gianna took great joy in showing (and pulling apart) lovebugs for Christa. (I'm beginning to think that the lovebugs are a plague - not a season. How HORRIBLE are they this year?!)

Playing with her sandtable - with pink sand. Yes, they make pink sand.

(Wal-mart garden section. They have blue too!)

I just love these pictures of her on the swing.

Looking forward to cooler temps and much more time outdoors.

Have a good fall y'all!

Ecclesiastes 3:4

2011-09-21T00:52:00.003-05:00

"...there is a time to mourn and a time to dance...."

Ecclesiastes 3:4

And sometimes those times overlap.

Just a couple of weeks after her daddy died...

...Gianna began her Ballet Classes!

I have no words to express how absolutely ADORABLE these little 3 and 4 year olds are in their pink leotards and tights and teeny tiny ballet shoes.

She began classes at the Lake Charles Dance Academy which is a brand new studio open by a precious friend of mine. We feel so grateful for this wonderful experience and welcomed diversion from our grief!

The studio is right by the cemetery where Iain is buried, so we go afterwards to show Daddy his little ballerina, have a chat with him and say some prayers.

It's becoming a nice little ritual for us.

I can say with great certainty that her Daddy is full of love and pride for his little dancer.

(I know her Mommy is.)

Big Grief for a Little Girl

2011-09-17T22:38:00.003-05:00

As a I child I was sort of sheltered from death ~ and I grew up with huge fears about death because of it. I vowed to introduce the concept early to my children and make sure they knew it was a natural part of life. Gianna was three weeks old when I took her to the funeral home for the first time. She's probably been at least 25 times since then. It became a little ministry for her. She loves to pray for the deceased and her favorite thing is to give them blessings (making the sign of the cross on their forehead.) She has always been a little light for the grieving family members - giving hugs, turning on her charm and even performing. She often spoke of heaven and the people we knew who were there.

When I walked in my parents home to tell them and Gianna of Iain's tragic death, I didn't beat around the bush. There is no sugar-coating death. (Well, maybe there is - but I don't see what good it does.) I told her Daddy got very sick and died. She knew about heaven, about the funeral home, about caskets - it was all part of her vernacular. I told her that we were going to be very sad for a very long time...and that would be okay. I told her that God would help us, but we couldn't see Daddy anymore here and he couldn't live with us anymore since he'd be in heaven. Oh, how I hated telling her that.

Daily conversations help clarify this reality - for both of us.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Most days have a 'normal' feel to them. I'm not sure how that's even possible. At least once a day, I make sure something special is planned just for Gianna. It helps to have something to look forward to.

It might be as simple as playing outside in this amazing weather.

Or finally enjoying the parks as the weather cools a bit...

Or picking satsumas from our tree...

Or enjoying a play date...

Sometimes there are activities for her all day long.

But there's always at least one thing that's fun and special.

* * * * * * *

Two weeks after Iain's death, we stayed in town with my parents to make life a little easier for us. We've been back home in the Bluff for three weeks now and settling back into some semblance of normalcy. It's actually been good to be home. Gianna is happy to be in her space. It's good to have lots of reminders of Daddy around.....and sometimes really sad.

* * * * * * *

Overall, Gianna has been a gem these last five weeks. She is affected by grief much of the same way I am.

* She's so tired, but dreads going to sleep. (Being alone with thoughts is a frightening thing while grieving.)
* She fell out of bed a half dozen times the first ten days. (Probably because her sleep was so fitful.)

* Her appetite is only now starting to return. Food is not terribly interesting to her these days.

* She melts down for the smallest things - and then falls apart into heartbreaking sobs. Every single disappointment, frustration, sadness or irritation is exacerbated by Iain's death. (For both of us.)

* She refuses to take a nap at my mom's house. The day Iain died she had just woken from her nap when I came to share the horrible news. She's made that association and even asked, "Did Daddy die because I was at MeMaw's house?" God bless my very smart, broken-hearted child.

* She was very angry at me the first few weeks and went nuts every time I showed signs of sadness. She really acted out (or tried to) the first few weeks. There was just no other safe place to direct her anger - than toward me. That's part of the toughest part of this ordeal.

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know I keep a Jelly Book where I record many of the great things Gianna says and does. I suppose this could be considered the grief edition:

Gianna talks about him a lot. A few days after he died while she was giving us one of her 'live concerts' with her guitar in tow - I mentioned that I bet Daddy was in heaven telling all the people,

"Would you just look at my baby girl! She is amazing! Yep, that's my Monkey-Doo!"

She was intrigued by that comment and it began an interesting occurrence...

Regularly (most often when we're in the car) she asks me,
"What do you think Daddy is saying to me right now?"

Early on she said, "You be Daddy."

So, I lower my voice and tell her what I think Iain might be saying.

G: Oh Daddy, I miss you so much.

Me as Daddy: Oh, sweetheart, I'm really really close to you. I miss you too, but I'm watching over you from heaven.

G: Daddy I laid on you and kissed you and talked to you (at the funeral home.)

Me as Daddy: I know, sweet girl, I remember everything. I hear you every time you talk to me.

G: Daddy, I whispered to you to wake up.

Me as Daddy: Oh I know. I wish I could have woken up for you - but now I have to love you from heaven.

G: Can you give me hugs and kisses.

Me as Daddy: Oh yes. I do all the time. We call them heaven hugs and heaven kisses.

G: Daddy, can you please love Mommy big big. She is really really sad.

Me as Daddy: (Almost not able to speak) Oh yes, I promise I will always love your Mommy in a very special way.

G: You live in my heart, Daddy.

Me as Daddy: You live in my heart too, Gianna I love you so much.

G: I love you big much too Daddy.

Sometimes the conversations go on for 20 minutes.
Sometimes she tells him what she's been doing. Sometimes she asks him big questions. Sometimes she shares her love and longing. Sometimes she even shares her sadness and anger.

And sometimes, I am choking back tears and can hardly answer her.
Thank God this precious child is still communicating with and loving her Daddy.

I am sure he is beyond proud.

I know I am.

* * * * * * *

She comes to be fairly often with tears spilling from her eyes saying,

"Mommy, my heart is brokeeen."

* * * * * * * *

G: Oh Mommy, my drips keep coming out. (tears)

Me: I know, my love, but that's how God helps to heal our broken hearts. Our tears help release some of the sad from our hearts.

G: But my sad won't stop leaking out.
(Neither will mine, sweet girl.)

* * * * * * *

Gianna asked the other night if she could have some medicine before bed.

I asked her why she needed medicine.

"To take my sad away." she replied.

* * * * * * *

Tonight during prayer she asked me if I loved her.

"Oh yes! My heart is so FULL of love for you it feels like it will burst!"

"Oh," she said, "My heart is full of sad."

* * * * * * *

Be assured that, overall, this precious child is doing remarkably well....all things considered.

She is my sunshine and my amazing grace.

We laugh a lot and have a lot of 'normal' moments sprinkled throughout our grief.

We continue to ride on the prayers of SO MANY people.

I'm certain those prayers are the reason I'm able to get out of bed every morning and function with some sort of regularity.....even with grace and peace. There is no explanation, but prayer!

Thank you to all you prayer warriors who continue to lift us up.

I am so very grateful.

Sunday Morning Reminders

2011-09-11T09:43:00.000-05:00

Sunday mornings are different now.

This morning as I came from brushing my teeth and saw my bed...

It made me sad.
It was a strong reminder that he is not here - and I am not married.
As an adult, I was single for much longer than I was married.

I was used to sleeping alone in a big bed.

I'll get used to it again.

It's a different kind of empty now.

It is sad to only make half a bed.

Easier - but sad.

* * * * * * * * *

Neither Iain and I were huge coffeee drinkers, but we enjoyed a cup or two on the weekends.

Whoever was up first would make coffee for both of us.

One little mug without it's partner is just another reminder....

...this is real.

He is not coming back.

* * * * * * * * *

On this tenth anniversary of 9/11 - there are lots of remembrances of loss and sadness.

I join my prayers with those who remain - for those who have gone before us in tragic ways - and in quiet ways.

I'd rather have...

2011-09-09T16:31:00.000-05:00

"I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special."

Shelby, Steel Magnolias

Our history together only spanned nine years.

Our marriage - seven.

Too short, indeed.

But thankfully, our love is for an eternity.

* * * * * * *

At some point after thirty, I began to make peace with the fact that I might be single for the rest of my life. I didn't love the idea - but I began to accept that possibility. When I was thirty-five - I met Iain and didn't marry him til I was thirty seven. If I knew then what I know now - and if I realized that I would only have a brief chapter of my life with him -- I still would have wholeheartedly done it again. My life together with him was blessed, full, adventurous, challenging and joyful. I fully embrace that quote from Steel Magnolias. Thirty minutes of wonderful is, indeed, better than a lifetime of nothing special. I have been gifted with a beautiful life with the man who was far more wonderful that my mind would have ever been able to conceive. Even in our darkest moments, I knew what we had was special. Our life together was short - but I am SO very grateful for every piece of it. This blessed marriage also gave us the amazing gift of our precious daughter.

Reaching for Daddy's hand.

Pure gift.

* * * * * * * * *

Four years ago, as we prepared to enter the adoption process, we were asked to compile an Adoption Profile which birth mothers would be able to look at as they chose adoptive parents for their babies. I wanted to include the pages that Iain and I wrote describing each other.

Here is the one I wrote about Iain:

And here is the one Iain wrote about me.

(I feel so blessed to have these words from his heart.)

* * * * * * *

And just for good measure, I'll throw in the rest of the profile - for those who might be interested.

There are a couple more pages that I've yet to locate....but you get the jist.
We were blessed.
We are blessed.

Nine years ago today....

2011-08-30T21:53:00.001-05:00

....Iain and I went on our very first date.

It was a blind date. We were set up by friends and had been talking on the phone for a few weeks before our schedules allowed for an in-person meeting. The phone conversations were so much fun before we met (and after too.) They became fairly regular and came precisely at 8:50pm each night. I had evening commitments with my youth ministry job and would get so tickled to come home to that dependable call. (I should have recognized the foreshadowing of what it would be like to be married to an engineer.) He played it so cool -- but I could tell he was excited to talk to me too.

The night of our big date, I happened to be house-sitting for one of our matchmaker friends, Belinda. The doorbell rang and I casually sauntered to the door to greet him. Cute. Shorter than I imagined, but cute. I do remember he was wearing black boots. Deep in the August heat and he wore boots. I later found out that it gave him a little extra height. Ha.

I expected there to be awkwardness. There wasn't. It was like seeing an old friend who I'd really missed. We chit-chatted for a bit and then made our way to his car. Nice car. Clean too! And best of all he opened my car door....every single time I got in. My friends all said that wouldn't last. They were wrong. He opened my door for me every time for nine years. He was a gentleman, indeed ~ as well as a gentle man.

He took me to eat at Italian Villa, which was a lovely upscale, cozy restaurant. And Italian! How could he go wrong taking a Tartamella to an Italian restaurant. Smart man. When we walked into the restaurant, the Maitre D greeted me with, "Hey Maria!" It was one of my former students. I introduced him to Iain as he brought us to our table and lit our candle. "Your waiter will be with you in a moment."

As the waiter made his way to our table he made eye contact with me. Once again, "Hey Maria!" This guy was a family friend with whom I went to grade school. After we chatted and placed our orders, Iain looked at me and said, "Are you running for mayor or something?"

"Yeah. I kinda know a lot of people." Little did he know just how many. I think the 500+ people at our wedding might have clued him in. But he knew a lot of folks too. And strangely we knew a lot of the same people - who once they saw us together invariably would say, "Why didn't WE think of setting y'all up! Y'all are the perfect match." We were. But that truth unfolded with time.

After our lovely dinner and great conversation, he asked if I'd like to go for a walk at the Civic Center. We strolled along the boardwalk as the sun set and continued our wonderful conversations. Getting to know him was effortless, delightful and exciting. He took me back to the house where I was sitting, gave me a great hug and made a date for the next Monday, which was Labor Day. After that, there was no turning back. He won my heart. He still has it.

* * * * * * * * * * *

And ANOTHER anniversary today has to do with our sweet daughter. Today is the 3rd anniversary of Gianna's Baptism. What a memorable day THAT was!!! Iain's parents came in to meet Gianna and celebrate her baptism and arrived just in time to hear that there was a Hurricane Warning for SW Louisiana. Yep. That was Hurricane Gustave. We didn't know what to do about the Christening plans since there was an evacuation plan in place and the storm was schedule to hit in two days. Iain was being summoned to work later that afternoon to get locked in the plant and thank heavens he managed to schedule his parents flight out the next morning.

We went on with the baptism as planned and it was just surprisingly well attended. Three priests and about 40 people came to bless this long awaited baby. It was a beautiful and special ceremony that we felt so blessed to enjoy (even though we were exhausted from staying up the night before as we packed to evacuate a newborn, her momma and their dog.) Things have never unfolded simply for our family. EVER!

Leaving Iain behind that day was one of the most mournful days of my marriage. I was scared to death to drive to Arkansas by myself with my 8 week old and not know if I'd have a house or husband to come home to. I sobbed as I drove all the way to Shreveport that night. It was the first time we were separated as a family during a time of crisis. Those feelings are very familiar to me now.

Happy Baptism Day, sweet Gianna! Mommy AND Daddy love you more than you will know.

Can you see her dimpled smile in the picture!

Joy of Jesus!

How do I even begin?

2011-08-28T23:22:00.003-05:00

I've written about 17 posts (in my head in the middle of the night as I stare at the ceiling), but all my thoughts seems too raw or too trite. I have so much I want to say - but I don't even know where to begin. This is my weak attempt at a beginning.

I cannot believe this is my life. I cannot believe it's been two weeks since my husband died. (I cannot believe I just typed that sentence!) It's the first time in nine years that I have gone more than a day without speaking to him. Surreal is the only word I can come up with that describes my state of being and it seems so inadequate.

I began this blog almost three years ago to document the 'ordinary and extraordinary moments of our lives.' I have, with few exceptions, blogged primarily for myself and my little family. The bonus was that people we knew (and some I met through the blogospher) could keep up with us. I've used this blog to share pictures, stories, antecdotes, philosophies, ideas, recipes, videos, and well, just life.

Life has now changed. I have such a need to be real and to share this experience of loss and tragedy in our lives and how it relates to my spiritual journey and my child. I also have a need to blog about the regular, vanilla events that become woven into the fabric of our lives. I want to continue to gush about our beautiful daughter and share all the joys and challenges of parenting her. I want to share my pain and my questions and my heart. I want to post crockpot recipes and craft ideas. Does that all belong in the same place? Who knows. It will belong in this place. I have no idea what direction this blog will take...but I need to be authentic and continue to blog primarily for myself and my little family.

I know people are wanting to know how we are. I'll begin be saying that we are surviving. We are functioning with relative normalcy (which is astounding to me) and at the same time we are just dipping our toes in this vast ocean called grief. I'm fairly certain we're still numb - which is a little disconcerting and a little bit of a relief at the same time. As time passes and reality sets in -- I'm sure the intensity of our grief will increase. I try not to think of that too often because I'm acutely aware that I am only able to handle what today brings: "our daily bread."

Someone asked if there are good days and bad days. For me, the answer is "no." Not now, anyway. Everyday there is joy and laughter (thank you God for the radiant light of Gianna!). Every day there is intense sadness. Every day there is peace. Every day there is discontent and restlessness. Every day there is hope. Every day there are fears. Every day there are unexpected meltdowns (from both of us.) As you can tell, my days are full --- and empty at the same time. What a bizarre place to be. I will tell you this: we are riding on the wings of prayer and love and amazing support. Our lives are forever changed...but they are not over.

Please be patient with me. Please be understanding and accepting of my unique place in life. Please remind me to do the same. Please cover us in prayer. Please.

Obituary

2011-08-18T06:35:00.005-05:00

Iain Fitzgerald Lewis, 40, of Moss Bluff, LA passed away from this life Saturday, August 13, 2011 in his residence.

Iain was born in Jinotepe, Nicaragua on April 5, 1971. He moved to the United States with his family in 1978 and lived in Florida , Colorado and Kansas until he graduated from North West High School in Wichita, Kansas . He began college at the University of Kansas and achieved his chemical engineering degree in only 3 and a half years.

After working in Houston for a short time he made his way to Lake Charles , LA where he had a long career at BioLab, Inc. For the last five years he has been a devoted and revered employee at PPG.

Those left to cherish his memory are his beloved wife of seven years, Maria Tartamella Lewis and his beautiful three year old daughter, Gianna Elyse Lewis of Moss Bluff; his parents, Dr. Soledad and Dr. Gerald Lewis of Bonner Springs, KS; a sister, Geraldine Lewis and Anthony Salvato of Bonner Springs, KS; two brothers, Dr. Robert Lewis and his wife Angelique of Tampa, FL and Gerald Lewis, Jr. and wife Lesbia of Jinotepe, Nicaragua; a niece, Madeleine Lewis of Tampa, FL; two nephews, Stephen Lewis of Bonner Springs, KS and Duilio Lewis of Jinotepe, Nicaragua; mother and father-in-law, Angel and Frank Tartamella of Lake Charles; and a brother-in-law, Vinnie Tartamella of Lake Charles.

Iain will be remembered for his brilliant mind, kind nature, gentle spirit, loyal friendships, hilarious sense of humor, encouraging words, strong devotion to his family and his deep love for his wife and daughter. His memory will be cherished and his presence will be missed beyond measure.

A funeral mass will be held at 11:00 AM on Thursday, August 18, 2011 in Our Lady Queen of Heaven Catholic Church. Monsignor Daniel Torres will officiate. Fr. Wayne LeBleu, Fr. Whitney Miller, and Monsignor Charles Dubois will concelebrate. Burial will be in Consolata Cemetery under the direction of Johnson Funeral Home. Visitation will be held on Wednesday from 11:00 AM until 9:00 PM. A rosary will be held at 3:00 PM and a scripture service will be held at 7:00 PM. Visitation will continue on Thursday from 8:00 AM until 10:45 AM.

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Abrazando Cristo Mission Program to Nicaragua, 414 Iris St., Lake Charles, LA 70601; or to New Life Counseling, 631 E. School St., Lake Charles , LA 70607 .

Words of comfort to the family may be expressed at www.johnsonfuneralhome.net.

Funeral Arrangements

2011-08-16T07:05:00.000-05:00

Just so you know, Gianna and I are doing remarkably well. I'm sure shock and numbness are a blessing at times like this so we can function to do what we need to do. We are riding on the wings of your prayers. There will be dark days ahead, but I assure you we will be okay. Being okay, walking in faith and embracing life is how we will honor Iain and his legacy of love.

Thank you for all your kind words of support, prayer and love. I think my Facebook account might just explode! I'm humbled and overwhelmed. Please keep the prayers coming for us....Iain, Gianna and I and our families and friends who's daily lives will be forever changed.

These are the funeral arrangements for Iain:

Wednesday, August 17th: Johnson's Funeral Home (Lake Street in Lake Charles)

11:00am - 9:00pm Visitation

3pm: Rosary

7pm: Scripture Service

Thursday, August 18th:

Visitation: 8:00-10:30am

Funeral: Our Lady Queen of Heaven Catholic Church (Lake Street) - 11:00am

Recepetion at Our Lady Queen of Heaven Life Center following Burial at Consolota Cemetery

Tragedy

2011-08-14T11:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday tragedy hit Lewis Land.

My precious husband and father of our sweet baby girl - died.

We are broken.

We beg for your prayers.

Counting by Fives

2011-08-12T16:35:00.000-05:00

Since the last post was a bit of a downer...I figured I'd give you this little ditty to give you a bright start to your weekend.

We heard this Counting by Fives song on Pandora. (The Laurie Berkner channel has awesome kids music!)

When life gives you lemons....

2011-08-10T23:30:00.002-05:00

....then you may have to have a mini-meltdown, mutter inaudible choice words under your breath, whine and complaint a little bit, and throw yourself a pity party before put your big girl panties on...

...and then make lemonade.

* * * * * * * *
Our latest batch of lemons are of the real estate variety.
You may remember we listed our house for sale in the Spring.

Twenty couples went through our house and 93 days into the process - we got an offer!

We were beyond thrilled since keeping the house 'show ready' with ~~Hurricane~~ Gianna was beginning to take a toll. The buyers were solid and wanted a closing 45 after we negotiated a contract instead of the customary 30 days. That was awesome for us since we wanted a little time to secure a house in LC. We found one quickly - perfect for our family and beyond our expectations. It was in a precious neighborhood on a cul-du-sac with only one other house (only two houses on the street.) Everything seemed to be falling into place - and our big confirmation was that the name of our street was our last name. We just knew that was a sign.

So inspections were done on both homes, appraisals were complete, and all the hoops were jumped through.

Closing date on both homes was set for August 10th.

That's today.

It didn't happen.

Neither of them.

Two weeks ago we had a hard time getting exact information on the closing of our home. The buyer's lender wasn't returning calls to the buyer, his agent or our agent. We were concerned, but not worried since we heard that many of the big lending companies sometimes drag their feet. The buyer was furious with his lender and pulled his profile and said he'd be getting another lender.

It all went downhill from there.

Ten days ago, we got a call from our realtor (and good friend) to tell us that the deal fell through. The mortgage company denied financing (they had already given them an approval letter) and his government job was in jeopardy due to budget cuts (so he says.)

So, not only did we lose the sale of our house - but the new house in LC was contingent on the sale of our home. We were sick. All three families had packed up their homes. We have been hauling boxes to a storage unit in LC for weeks. About 80% of our belongings are in storage.

(Gianna keeps telling people, "You wanna come to our house? IT'S EMPTY!!!!")

We felt so terrible for the people whose house we would be buying. Even though we weren't directly responsible for the breakdown of the deal - we knew how horrible it would be for them.

We still had the hope that maybe we'd quickly get a buyer so we could purchase the awesome house we loved -- but today we learned that there is a new offer on that house. So, here we sit....in an empty house, back at square one, having missed almost six weeks of showing our home during prime buying time and now having to start from scratch. UGH!!!!!

For us, it felt like being left at the altar. Oh, it could have been MUCH worse and we are very aware that these are definitely first world whinings. We are blessed to have a home as nice as we do, our health and our family.

Interestingly, we just went through a similar upset in our adoption journey. I haven't even wanted to blog about that, because I haven't fully processed it all. The thumbnail version is that back in April we were told we were chosen by a birthmother. We were thrilled to learn that the baby would be born four weeks later. We told no one ~ not even our parents. We decided that we would tell people as soon as we met with the birthmom. Two weeks later, Iain took off work so we could travel to a neighboring city and meet our birthmother for the first time. As we got ready to get in the car, my phone rang and I heard the regretful tone of our social worker's voice.

"I'm so sorry, the birthmother changed her mind."

It was a kick in the gut.

Part of the negative is having to prepare Gianna for possible big changes in our lives, get her psyched, and then completely change gears. She is such a trooper! She is playing with TWO toys since everything else is in storage. And she continues to pray for 'Ms. Karen to sell our house' and 'for God to send us a baby brother and a baby sister." (She says 'and' - I say 'or'!!!)

So, we're in limbo - not just in the adoption arena, but in real estate as well.

We really do have faith in a bigger plan that we cannot see. We really do have faith that God has not forgotten us and that He has our best interests at heart. Even though we are not quite so sure what these events are supposed to be teaching us - we do believe that we are called to be faithful - regardless of our understanding of God's Plan (or lack thereof.)

We are praying that we will handle this challenge with positivity and grace and that we can trust in God's bigger plan.

Sooo....I've got my big girl panties on, but I'm still a little whiny when we are

reminded of all the ways this event has inconvenienced our lives. We do know this is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. Twenty years down the road, this will just be a "remember when..." But for now, it stinks. We feel much better than we did last week when it all happened. Maybe for my next pity party, I'll be able to serve lemonade.

This is certainly not the end of the story.

I look forward to watching God's plan unfold....

maybe while drinking a glass of lemonade. :)

Swim Lessons

2011-08-09T20:42:00.002-05:00

It's been a crazy busy summer and I finally made time to squeeze swimming lessons into our schedule.

I'm not sure who was more nervous....Gianna or me. Our summer has been full of challenges and new concerns with our three year old - so I had no idea what to expect.

We figured private lessons might be more effective for her, so I registered her and found out her instructor would be a man. That gave me a little concern because lately she has been very shy with men - even men that she knows well.

Gianna has become much less willing to try things in the pool this year. Last year she'd jump off the edge and go under - this year, she wasn't having it. But alas, God sent the perfect swim teacher for her....CJ.

How cute is he? (I didn't want to know how old he was because I'm pretty sure I'm old enough to be his mother.)

He was incredible with her.

She was HILARIOUS with him.

She talked the whole time.

He laughed the whole time.

He'd ask her to put her head under water and she'd say, "Nah, that's okay." or "But, I'm just a little kid!" or "How 'bout you put your head under?" (After which she'd offer to give him gummy treats for a job well done.)

He said she was the most fun lesson he'd had all summer.

She really was pretty fun - and funny. And I was relieved, because you just never know which way these things can go. (I'm crossing my fingers about upcoming ballet lessons - where she'll have an audience for her antics.)

Jelly Book - volume 7

2011-08-06T09:23:00.002-05:00

I keep a "JELLY BOOK" of some of the entertaining things that Gianna says and does.

Here's my latest entry...

Spring/Summer 2011

* * * * *

Gianna often wants to know if random people are happy. Usually she asks us right after she gets into trouble. When we went to Florida we were driving to her uncle's house:

G: "Is Uncle Robert happy?"

Me: Oh, I bet he's in heaven right now. (Referring to him having his whole family visiting him.)

G: Uncle Robert died?

* * * * *

Me: Gianna, why are you blinking so much?

G: Well, I think my allergies are trying to come out.

* * * * *

G: No, Mommy - not in the sun! I want to live in the dark shade.

* * * * *

At a children's concert talking about the song, "Whatcha want to be when you grow up?"

Me: What do YOU want to be Gianna? (She usually says doctor of fireman.)

G: Frweee.

Me: You just turned three, Gianna.

G: Oh. Then Frwee and a half.

* * * * *

Prior to that same concert, I'd asked G several times what she wanted to be when she grew up.

Consistantly her answer was, "A boy."

Well, I did tell her she could be anything she wanted. (Gosh, I sure hope I'm not going to be in the same support group as Cher!)

* * * * *

G: Mommy, come with me. Quick!

Me: What's wrong, Gianna.

G: Jesus, is on the ceiling. Come look!

My curiosity piqued, I quickly followed her.

G: Look Mommy, he's up there!

(Pointing to the crucifix above the door.)

G: You see him? He rose from the dead!!!!

* * * * *

During nighttime prayer:

Me: Is there anything you're are thankful for tonight?

G: Black.

Me: Umm..... Black? You want to tell me more about that?

G: Yes...I am thankful for black choc-o-late. When I'm four could you make me a choc-o-late cake? I like the white cake, but I LOVE choc-o-late cake!

* * * * *

Another night during prayer:

G: ...God bless Sophia, baby Joseph, and Ms. Nichole...(smiles)...Rock and Roll, Ms. Nichole.....(proud grin)....that rhymes!

* * * * *

After a a good ten minutes of her attempt to fight her nap, I entered her room only to find her out of bed (which she rarely tries) and playing with her dollhouse.

"Gianna?!" I said sternly.
"Oh, hi Mommy, I had a lovely sleep!"

Nice try, dumpling.

* * * * *

As I was driving (about 35mph) after being stopped at a traffic light for several minutes Gianna said in a very concerned voice:

"Woa! Mommy. What are you doing? Why are you going so fast? Gentle, Mommy, Gentle!"

* * * * *

Gianna's not sick very often, but every now and then after she cries (new pastime) she complains,

"Oh no, Mommy! Now I'm all 'snuffy!'"

* * * * *

Gianna was crying after she had gotten scolded and said,

"Oh NO! I can't see."

I started getting concerned and asked, "Gianna, why can't you see?"

"Because of the drips in my eyes."

* * * * *

One day we stopped for a train on our way home. As we watched it pass, Gianna asked me,

"Hey Mommy, Is that train going west?"

(Not left, but WEST. I actually had to see where the sun was setting to figure out that the train was indeed traveling westward. Geez!)

* * * * *

I can count on my right hand how many times I've had to wake Gianna up in the morning.

Last week was one of those times.

She was so groggy and could barely open her eyes.

Me: Wake up, Sleepyhead, we have to go to swimming lessons and the funeral home.

Gianna (barely able to lift her head): Ummm....maybe Saturday.

Me: (laughing) No, not Saturday, today.

Gianna: Or how 'bout Christmas?

* * * * *

Lately, we've had a lot of family friends who have passed away. I'm pretty impressed by her understanding of the difficult concept.

G: Mommy, George died?

Me: Yes Gianna, he did.

G: George went to heaven?

Me: Yes Gianna, that's right.

G: Mommy, we're all going to die.

Me: Well, eventually - yes.

G: But Mommy, I don't want to die yet.

Me: Me neither, Gianna. Let's wait.

* * * * *

I gave Gianna some frosted mini wheats for a morning snack.

About 20 minutes later she came up to me,

G: Mommy, can I have something to eat?

Me: Gianna, I just gave you mini wheats that you didn't eat.

G: But Mommy, I DID eat them.

Me: Gianna, the bowl is full.

G: Yeah, but I only ate the 'cream'.

* * * * *

Another time she did the same thing with pretzels....licked the salt off, left the pretzels.

* * * * *

Soaking wet after playing on the Slip-n-Slide, Gianna says,

"Mommy, can I go on the swing?

Not wanting to stay outside, I replied,

"Well, Gianna you're all wet. It'll be very slippery."

Gianna's response:

"So, Mommy.....how bout you put me in the swing.....and then if I'm too wet and slippery, THEN we can go inside."

Who's going to say no to that logic?

* * * * *

On the swing:

"Hey Mommy, wanna push me Super Pie?''

* * * * *

G: Oh no. It's brokeeen.

(I love the way she says broken and rarely correct her.)

* ** * *

My dad was recently in the hospital and on our way to visit him we spoke with a hospital worker emptying out a trashcan in the hallway.
G: And what is YOUR name?
Worker: I'm Carmen. What is your name?
G: I'm Gianna. What are you doing Carmen?
Worker: I work here.
G: Oh, good. My PePaw is here and he's sick. Can you make him better?

{melt}

* * * * *

The first day of swim lessons, the precious instructor tried and tried to get G to put her head under water. Finally, she looked at him, tilted her head and said,
"Mr. CJ, I'm just a little kid!"

* * * * *

We had a large packing box that Gianna turned on it's side and turned into a rocket.
We just read a book from the library called Mail Harry to the Moon (so cute) and she asked me if I could send her to the moon in her rocket.
Every time she got in the box I'd begin the countdown....
Five, four, three, two, one....
The door (lid) would fly open and Gianna would have a panicked expression and
say, "Ummm....Mommy, can you come to the moon with me?"
Me: Oh Gianna, I can't today. I have to cook supper.
G: Well, can Max come with me?
Me: No, silly. Max is a dog. He can't go to the moon.
You'll be okay. Ready? Five, four, three, two, one.....
G: NOOO. I don't want to go to the moon!
Me: But I thought you wanted to go?
G: Yeah...but I'm just a little nervous.
Me: Really? Why?
G: Mommy? Is this for pretend?

* * * * *

I love my Jelly Book Girl!

Party time....

2011-08-02T20:00:00.001-05:00

Well, almost a month later - I'm finally posting about Gianna's birthday party.

The theme was - use whatever you have around the house to throw a 3 year old party.....starting with the invitations.

The theme was Cupcakes...if that is even considered a theme.

I found these cupcake placemats for 96 cents at Pier One in November. I knew I'd figure some way to use them. (I cut the letters out of felt that I already had....didn't even have to glue them!)

She was given a fancy party had for her first birthday, I've uncovered it and re-covered it each year.

Simple spread...just had hotdots and cupcakes. (Chips and dips too.)

I wasn't sure if just cupcakes would suffice, so I finally got to use my giant cupcake mold and put the humungo cupcake on top of a cake.

Little friends (and big ones too) made for a fun time.

Lovin' from Nanny Jeanne and Uncle Alan...

Our PRECIOUS godchild, Nate...

Precious indeed!

The gifts were awesome! And SO appreciated.

My family was in Florida for the funeral of a close family friend of ours, but Uncle Vinnie gave Gianna an awesome gift....

And right before we were getting ready to sing Happy Birthday, Gianna got the BEST gift! MeMaw and PePaw caught an earlier flight and made it just in time to celebrate with us!

(I was TERRIBLE with my camera on party day. I missed so many shots and so many people.)

* * * * *

And Mommy schemed up an idea for she and Daddy to give to their big three year old.
Daddy even built it himself!

HER VERY OWN STAGE.

(She's been holding concerts ever since she got her karaoke machine at Christmas.)

The stage was a hit.

The party was a success.

And the momma was tired.

And as happy as I am to celebrate my child, I'm SO glad we have another 11 months to think about another party. :)

Back when I was a kid....

2011-07-31T07:27:00.000-05:00

....my mom used to make a great cake for our family birthday celebrations which became a tradition for many years. It's called an Ice Box Log Cake and it's a super simple cake made with Nabisco's Famous Chocolate Wafers (super thin chocolate cookies) and homemade whipped cream (with a touch of vanilla and sugar.)

Heavenly...

...and so easy. You make spread generous amounts of the cream on each cookie and set them aside in little stacks. Then you assemble the stacks on their sides into a log and cover with cream. Once your put it in the refrigerator to chill, the cream moistens and expands the cookies into soft yummy cake. (Told you it was easy.) The neat thing is that when you cut the cake on a diagonal it looks like this...

It's like eating the lightest, fluffiest, tastiest cookies and cream cake. (It has an Oreo taste.)

I knew I'd be making a big birthday cake and cupcakes for Gianna's party, but I wanted a little something special for her actual birthday. I started doing some research and discovered that there are MANY people who grew up enjoying this wonderful cake in the 60's and 70's. The one complaint is that the wafers are super hard to find. You can order them on the internet, but I understand there are a lot of broken cookies and you have to order an entire case - which is much more than I need or want to spend.

The more I started thinking about how much time and/or money I might waste in search of these chocolate wafers, the more inspired I became to see if anyone had a copycat recipe for them. Oh how I love Google! I found the recipe here and I had all the ingredients at home - so it made things so much easier. The recipe for the Icebox cake is here. (You can add a little sugar to the whipping cream to sweeten it a bit.)

I didn't tell my parents I was making this cake, so I think they were really surprised that I was able to resurrect such a memorable part of our family history. It was my brother's favorite cake growing up (mine too) but he's been working in Florida, so he didn't get to see/eat it. Don't worry Uncle Vinnie, I'll make you one when you come back.

Now we have a new Lewis Family Tradition!

Two thumbs up from the three year old!

One good shot...

2011-07-27T08:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes people remark that they are impressed with my daughter's willingness to have pictures taken of her.

HA!!!

Just to get one decent shot of my new three year old, we had to go through these...

My goal in picture taking is to get one good shot.

This was the last one I took in this comical series....

Maybe it was the last, because I stopped when I got one good shot.

Singing in the rain...

2011-07-24T04:47:00.000-05:00

After having experiencing quite a drought in SW Louisiana earlier this summer, Giannaa started to notice the grass and the plants weren't looking very healthy. When I told her they were dying because they were not getting enough water, she started praying for rain. She'd bow her head, fold her hands, close her eyes and say, "Dear God, please send rain for the plants don't die."

They nexr day she was walking around in her rain boots and I asked her why she them on she said,

"It's going to rain today."

"Really?" I asked.

"Remember I prayed for rain?"

Ahhh....to have such faith!

It didn't rain that day, but it did several days later. She was SO excited and exlaimed, "Mommy! God heard my prayer!!!"

So we definitely had to show our appreciation by 'Singing in the Rain."

She actually loves the movie (we've let her watch all the musical numbers) and knows the song.

Thunder still gets her a little nervous (since our dern firework nightmare) but she's definitely getting better.

After the really loud claps we usually hear...

Old School Crafts

2011-07-19T12:42:00.000-05:00

Our friend and babysitter bought Gianna a set of Disney Princesses on her recent trip to the magic kingdom. Gianna has been playing with them non-stop, so we thought the princesses needed a home of some sort. I took a shoe box and some scrapbook paper and made an old-fashioned diorama/castle. Gianna got quite a kick out of the process.....and the result.

Fingerpainting Fun

2011-07-17T08:56:00.001-05:00

They were chomping at the bit to get to the sun porch where the paint was...

John Paul was the perfect finger-painter...even though he sported a fake, temporary head wound.

Sophia painted longer than anyone else, and made strides in actually getting paint ON her fingers....

Therese decided blue paint dipped in crayon was a fabulous creation...

Elise didn't get a drop of paint on her...

And her sweet baby brother was great inspiration for their art...

And then there's Gianna...

I shouldn't even have to tell you what her experience was like. (Or MINE for that matter!)

I'm sure her painting is still not dry -- even three days later.

Thanks, Kate, for lunch, and for hosting this brave little art party.

Lots going on...

2011-07-09T00:43:00.000-05:00

....just no time to post about them.

Until then, I thought maybe a shot of my 'freshly three' munchkin might tie you over.

THREE!!!

2011-07-03T08:42:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a THREE YEAR OLD in the HOOUUSSEEE!!!!!

Yes, indeedy ~ our little munchkin is THREE!!!

Three has got to be one of my absolute favorite ages.

They are little people who are capable of big conversations and start grasping big concepts, but they still have a little bit of baby pudge left in their faces and hands and you can still see your baby when you look at them.

I remember when I was a youth minister, I ran a Vacation Bible School with my teens for 3-5 year olds. I would say, "Five year olds: line up behind ME!" And they did.

Then I'd say, "Four year olds: line up behind ME!" And they quickly fell into line.

Then I'd get to the littlest ones, "Three year olds: line up behind ME!"

And without fail, their little eyes would widen with excitement and like popcorn, their responses shot out, "I'm FREE!" "I'm FREE" "Hey, I'm free, TOOO!!!"

Of course, they never made it into a line, but it was just so fun to watch them celebrate themselves.

Even at the last day, when they performed their little songs for the parents, the three year olds would run up to me and hug me after each song. SO cute.

I am so excited for this fun age with Gianna.

We've all heard the war stories of the 'terrible twos' from those that have gone before us, but more and more often I'm hearing, "Two was a breeze! Watch out for THREE!" or "Three is the new two."

Within a few weeks of her third birthday, we have witnessed one change in her personality, that we weren't prepared for. D R A M A!!!!!!

Holy Cannoli. When it's not exasperating, it's quite comical. And it was like someone just flipped a switch in her.

Example: After a Time-Out episode the other day, I went to get her and told her that I wanted to be sure she understoood that she would no longer be able to play with her new guitar that evening.

She gasped, threw her forehead into her open hands and with as much dramatic expression as she could muster, cried,

"OHHH NOOOO!!!!! That is just HYSTERICAL!"

Obviously, she misused the word, but it was as a dramatic a word as she could come up with on the spot.

HELLLOOOOO THREEEEE!!!!!!

Alternatives

2011-06-28T08:32:00.001-05:00

The last couple of summers, we've enjoyed our little above ground swimming pool. It was a wonderful, refreshing way to spend many of our hot summer days.

This summer, we opted out of putting up the pool. We thought it would be too much to worry about with our house on the market and all that goes along with that crazy roller coaster real estate ride.

So a few weeks into our crazy 100 degree temps and LONG drought I passed a little blow up pool at Wal-Mart and thought it would be a great alternative for our transitional summer.

Looks like great fun in the picture, doesn't it?

The pool looks exactly like the picture along with all the fun parts.

HOWEVER, they must have photoshopped the kids in the pics because they make the pool look MUCH bigger than it actually is.

What a disappointment.

Our resident munchkin, however, was tickled pink by her new 'water park' and it's good enough for the rest of the summer.

Little Hoopster

2011-06-20T11:19:00.001-05:00

Not as in basketball ~ as in hula.

My dad taught her how. So cute.

Better than any of MY attempts ~ that's for sure!

Tea for Two

2011-06-15T06:40:00.002-05:00

Gianna CRAVES company. Friends. People that will play with her. We are blessed to have so many sweet little friends that we enjoy so well....but most of them are boys. We've finally gotten to the age, where having little girlfriends to do girly things with is becoming more desirable than it used to be.

One of her little friends, Sophia, has the very same issue - many little friends who happen to be boys. No complaints - just ready to explore some feminine fun.

So today, we had a little tea party for these two little girls.

I was so happy to have the chance to show Gianna a special gift she received when she was only a few weeks old. It's the sweetest little miniature tea set that I've been patiently saving for just the right age.

I was equally as excited to pull out on of my favorite gifts ~ a tea posy, which is a clear tea pot that brews these fabulous teas which actually bloom in the pot. It starts off as a round, over sized 'seed' and once boiling water is added, it begins to bloom in front of your eyes.

Their anticipation was precious...

As I added the boiling water and warned them how hot it was, their little faces were so cute with concern...

This is what it looks like when it blooms....

And this is what they looked like when it bloomed...

Sips...

Tastes...

I hope their little friendship grow as they do...

Oh...and we did invite one little boy...

...Sophia's little brother, Joseph.

Is he not the cutest little Squish you've ever seen? Laid back, smiley, low maintenance....dream baby.

So you think you can sing?

2011-06-13T17:33:00.000-05:00

She sings ALL day long: songs she knows, songs she thinks she knows, songs she makes up....songs, songs, songs. Some times these songs are impressive, sometimes they are hilarious, sometimes they are annoying, but most of the time they are really entertaining.

Today I pulled out the karaoke machine so as to proverbially kill that last hour of the day before Daddy came home. That is the LONGEST hour of the day for me - and I'm sure many stay at home moms - and working moms whose husbands work later than they do. (God bless all the single parents out there!)

I grabbed my phone to record. You can thank me later.

Sunrise, Sunset

2011-06-09T03:41:00.001-05:00

It's nice to have the opportunity to really appreciate the sunrises and the sunsets with out worrying about to do lists, or bedtime routines, etc. Here are a few from our Florida tirp.

Who am I kidding? The surnrises I witnessed were only because one or two of us were sick ~ and I wasn't taking pictures those mornings. However, here are a few morning shots from our condo...

It's faint in the picture, but we did get to witness G's very first rainbow one morning before daddy awoke...

She really loved the beach....

2011-06-07T21:46:00.003-05:00

...for the first five days or so.

On Day 6 she announced, "I don't want to go to the beach. No more "saulcy" water!"

She'd had it. Plus we were having issues. (No Lewis vacation is ever without it's issues.) We (she) had a horrible bout with constipation that was not 'fixable' without an enema and very dramatic outcome. Horrible, I tell you. I was in tears.

No sooner did we recover from that traumatic event, then we were awakened to Gianna screaming in the middle of the night. Let me clarify: Daddy was awakened to screaming. The usually light-sleeping Mommy somehow entered a sleep deprivation coma that night and didn't hear her child calling out for her. I would normally feel very guilty at this point, except for the fact that my husband walked into Gianna's first stomach virus. (Have I ever mentioned that I don't do vomit? I don't. I can't. They all told me I would be able to handle it with my own. They were wrong. God's gift to me that night, was not being the one to enter that sick scene.)

Anyway, she was SUCH a trooper through that episode. Just a little clingy, which was fine by me. (Nice to have a cuddly child every once in a while.) A couple of days to lie low was not the worst thing. We were in a beautiful condo with every convenience, and a heroic husband/daddy who was wonderful to us. Yes, us. I got the bug next. I'm telling you, us Lewis girls seems to always reserve our illnesses for trips. Daddy always seems to reserve his upon arrival home. Yep....he got it too.

So add all that with a family reunion - (* the reason for the trip to begin with) and a strong willed two year old who was exercising her defiant muscles....it was an exhausting trip. We were happy to be together and away from our 'normal' lives for a bit and we did have many fun times and great memories, but there's no place like home.

* Iain's family was all in Tampa, where his brother lives, because they were all going on a 7 day cruise. We opted out - being that we are trying to sell our house and possible adopt again. All I can say is - THANK HEAVENS WE DIDN'T GO ON THAT CRUISE!

And I'd be remissed if I didn't mention the fact that my big girl slept by herself in a room on the other side of the condo - which she wanted to be pitch black at night. "No mommy, please shut that door and you go down the hall." I'm impressed. I'd have been a chicken.

Twinkle Toes

2011-06-06T13:51:00.007-05:00

Well, I guess I should've known then...

or even then...

and especially when I witnessed this...

that maybe....

it might be necessary...

to look into getting this little girl...

enrolled...

...in ballet classes!

I think Twinkle Toes is ripe for the picking!

Buckle up, Lake Charles Dance Academy: your next prima donna is on her way!

Mommy and Me Carpentry & Craft

2011-06-04T21:24:00.002-05:00

Our local library had a Summer Kick Off event last Wednesday with loads of activities, projects and entertainment for all the kids. There was a wood craft area that Home Depot sponsored and kids were making bird feeders, toys and planters. I thought the planter would be cute, but didn't want to attempt it during the mayhem - so they gave me one to take home.

One day while I was trying to kill some time before Daddy got home, I present the idea to Gianna. She was excited and I wasn't quite sure just how long it would hold her attention - but I figured the paint would lure her in - and it did.

She thought it was a puzzle at first, and it really sort of was.

She participated in each step. (Check out her first tattoo!)

Painting is always a favorite.

The legs had to be hammered onto the base. I think it was fairly brave of me to give her the hammer, but I have to say, she was amazingly precise. I was very impressed with her carpentry skills. Her PePaw is going to be so proud.

Mommy helped finish the paint job.

I was so impressed with the result. Can't wait to add a little plant for her to take care of.

Deliver Me, O Lord

2011-06-02T22:17:00.003-05:00

Deliver me, O Lord...

...is one of the many mantras I've been repeating lately as my precocious two (almost THREE) year old is becoming more and more courageous in how she expresses herself. Tantrums, her version of cursing (which is rather comical being that she doesn't know any curse words), blatant defiance, and she's even taken a few swings at me. Who IS this child?

The last few months have been particularly challenging in dealing with this STRONGER side of her personality. It came to a frustrating crescendo during our recent trip to Florida. Honestly, sometimes I though she was possessed by some fresh-mouthed, wayward little gangster - with quite the potty mouth. She has been heard to say, "I say POO POO to YOU, MOMMY!" and her big curse to both her daddy and I is " I say: MAN. BY. ONE." We have absolutely NO idea what that means, what she thinks that means or what she's is trying to mean. And no matter how ticked off we are when she says it - we have to laugh. - Maybe is God's way of protecting her and getting ourselves in check.

The trip was too long (10 days) and we made the 14 hour drive in one shot there and one shot back. That's a lot to ask from a grown up, much less a two year old. Plus she got some stomach bug while we were there and was bored out of her mind while she convalesced. All those things didn't cause these negative behavior eruptions, but did exacerbate the situation. I got part of a meltdown/tantrum on video (because my parents think I'm being dramatic when I tell them she can be rotten.)

Told you. And this wasn't nearly the worst of it. It got bad, y'all. My husband often responds, "We need a young priest and an old priest..." referring to The Exor.cist, of which I've only seen spoofs, but you get the idea. I suppose the situation would be intolerable if this monster child completely took over my sweet, funny, smart child - but it hasn't.

(she thinks this picture is hilarious, by the way)

Monster Child rears it's head far more often than before, but left in the wake of her emotional destruction is my sweet, sweet child. Jekyll and Hyde is among us and the switch between the two is wickedly quick....both ways. Sometimes it's in response to something that she's not happy with. But on MANY occasions, while in the middle of a perfectly lovely activity and having a perfectly splendid time, she has completely come unglued and begun her monster transformation. (Kinda like The Hulk - minus the ripped clothing.)

I have been reduced to tears many times during her exhausting episodes and my poor parenting attempts. Sometimes I know it's just about riding the waves and staying strong, and sometimes I am totally discouraged, disheartened, and disappointed in both her behavior and my responses. I think to myself, "This is not the mother I intended on becoming." Thankfully, my husband has the same experience and knows that I'm not being dramatic in my descriptions. He also shares my frustrations and occasional despair.

At one point during our vacation, following some wretched behavior, Iain got her to bed and I just fell apart. I felt like a complete failure and felt absolutely clueless as to how to move ahead. I had read the book 1-2-3 Magic for Christian parents which was wonderful and very helpful, but we had now reached a point where she was not so affected by the time-outs or alternate consequences.

Really, the big issue for me was two-fold. One was the fact that it was pure manipulation on her part and it was a huge quest for control - a battle of the wills. There's a psychologist who says, "Never enter a battle of wills with a kid, but if you must, you better make darn sure you win." Well, we've reached that point. And let me just say that it takes HUGE energy and effort to win. (I wish you could have seen me climb over the seat numerous times to deal with Little Miss Sunshine. Not really.)

The other issue is that of disobedience and disrespect. In the broad scheme of things, I can overlook tantrums, I can ignore screaming (sometimes) -- it's the defiance and disobedience that I have a problem with. As a parent, especially a Christian parent, obedience is a biggy. It's not just about making her do what I want, it's about teaching the value, importance and the call to obedience.

One day when Gianna and I were having a little 'Come to Jesus' meeting, I asked her what her job was. I expected her to say, "To be a good listener." That was not her response.

She said to my shock, "O-B-E-Y. Obey your mom and dad." I had not taught her this and my obvious surprise must have registered in her little brain because she followed it by saying, "That's what the Donut Man says, Mommy. It really is!" (Thank you EWTN for your Children's Programming!)

Well, that has become another mantra 'round these parts. It's been a great jumping off point. And isn't that what we're called to do as Christian parents?....help these little souls get to heaven?

Now, I am quite certain that my good and faithful God is getting quite the chuckle at my frustrations with my little one, because He's been trying to teach me obedience for years with very similar defiance and tantrums. I have found that at each parenting crossroads I've experienced, there's an even bigger lesson for me than trying to "train my child in the way she should go." I am very aware that this child, with all of her gifts and challenges was meant specifically for me and my husband...to bless us like no other - and to stretch and test us in ways that will help us with our own individual and marital growth.

The Strong Willed Child

Not long after Gianna turned one, I was in search of articles about strong willed children. The first I came across said that many parents were quick to label their children as strong willed, but many of these labels were inaccurate. They had a checklist of qualities that most strong willed children possessed and Gianna only had a small number of them.

About a month ago is when we started a sort of potty training boot camp (which she did great with - and totally gave up on during vacation) is when the behavior started going awry. There may be a correlation with the control issues involved there - or it may have been a fluke...but that's when we started having daily issues that were really difficult to deal with.

So on vacation at one of the very lowest points when she really got the best of me, I was more than motivated to figure out some sort of way through this challenge. I got online and scouted some resources that might be give me some direction and maybe a little hope to carry on.

I came across a book I've heard of by an author I was very familiar with. The New Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson (From Focus on the Family fame). I've listened to him talk about marriage, family, child rearing, spiritual struggles, etc for over twenty years. I knew I could trust his experience and advice.

Luckily, I recently acquired my husband's Kindle (e-reader) and was able to download the book immediately. I was tentative as began the book because I was a little afraid of the possible realization that I was doing everything wrong. After reading the preface I knew that this book would provide blessing, encourage and a deep sense of understanding and empathy for people who are daily dealing with those children at the frightening end of the strong willed continuum. I'm only a third of the way through it, and I'll reserve my full review until I complete it, but it has already given my a realization that my child is not necessarily a classic example of a strong willed child, and that my concerns as well as my feelings of inadequacy, self-condemnation, and desperation are all extremely common with parents of these kids. Whew.

On a sidenote, one of Dr. Dobson's recommendations for parents is to lay hands on their children when they (kids) are asleep and pray to the Holy Spirit that He will help break their will without breaking their spirits. I used to pray over her at night when she was little, but then she was such a light sleeper she'd wake up just as soon as I got to the door. I thought maybe we'd try again so, the other night I entered her room about 11:00pm when I knew she'd be completely down and as sson as I opened the door I heard, "Hey Mommy, watchya doin'?" An alternate plan is in order, I suppose.

And wouldn't you know that just as soon as I expose my child's (and my own) darker side that she was an absolute angel today. ANGEL, I tell you. (Well, until five minutes before bedtime, but hey - I can handle that!)

By the way: Even though I don't think G is a classic version of the STC, I think she's smart and stubborn with a will that needs some work. She has remarkable self control for a little one and I know a lot of her struggles aren't unusual at her age. (She just happens to push it to the limits.) But it is helpful to have a few tools in our back pockets and a deeper understanding of these kids and empathy for their parents.

Okay. I'm done. More vacation pictures, more talking about my amazing child and many boring posts from my vanilla life to come. :)

Beachin' it

2011-05-23T08:53:00.003-05:00

More pics from our coastal vacation. These are for the grandparents.

There was a problem at work, so Daddy spent a LOT of time talking on the phone. (Ugh.)

It's good to be loved.

Steals me heart...

My 'caught off guard' handsome hubby.

She's so happy here. Here's the evidence

For the first beach post, CLICK HERE.

Off to the BEACH!

2011-05-22T10:33:00.001-05:00

We're in Florida - on the beach. I completely understand any envy that you might be experiencing. It's simply fabulous here, and I'm trying very hard to convince my husband not to move here, although many of my arguments seem to dissolve once when we are on the beach and our munchkin is squealing with delight.

Life is good.

Cheap Fun

2011-05-17T22:45:00.001-05:00

Recently I bought some sort of wiggle sprayer attachment for the garden hose. I hooked it up after supper last night and it killed a fair amount of time, wore her out and replaced bathtime while Daddy worked late.

She kept saying, "I love you so much, Mommy."

I think that meant she liked it.

Southpaw no more?

2011-05-10T20:10:00.007-05:00

Since Gianna was a baby, she has favored her left hand. She's always eaten with her left hand, drawn and colored with it and reached with it.....until recently.

Interestingly, her pediatrician noticed early on she favored her left hand and I made some comment about her being a lefty. She told me, "Don't call it until she's three." She went on to say that both her girls used their left hands exclusively and then when they approached three years old, they both switched to the right hands.

As fascinating as that was, I figured it was a family trait and really didn't think it would apply to my child. But guess what????????? Just a couple of months before her third birthday, she's using her right hand.......A LOT. She's using both still, but it will be interesting to know which hand will be dominant. As it stands, it looks like she'll be southpaw no more.

Optimism

2011-05-01T09:48:00.001-05:00

During a little Easter Party, a thoughtful guest gave all the kids little prizes. The girls got flower headbands and fairy wings. Gianna was excited to wear them and kept them on for most of the afternoon.

At one point after I just put her wings on, I heard her grunting as she stood on her tip toes.

"Uh! Uh! Uh!" she said with a frustrated tone.

"Mommy, I just (uh!) can't (uh!) FLY!"

She was certain the wings would allow her to take flight!

So we headed to the trampoline to see if that might help her effort.

"Look Mommy! I flying!"

And then she gave up on the flying dream....

and settled for another mode of transportation.

Our Funny Bunny

2011-04-28T09:48:00.002-05:00

When Mommy's tired of playing...

2011-04-27T09:46:00.000-05:00

...sometimes she has to make her own fun.

And I know I'm not the only mom who gets tired of playing every once in a while.

Happy Easter

2011-04-25T09:44:00.000-05:00

It was a lovely weekend. I felt like I had my act together this year, embracing Lent and preparing for Easter. It sure made the holiday so much more enjoyable.

My parents' neighbor provided Gianna with yet ANOTHER stuffed bunny. Ridiculous.

We colored eggs which is always fun for the first ten minutes.

I mentioned to Iain that a couples of the eggs had cracked and Gianna said,

"Oh no, Daddy.....the eggs crapped." :)

After we colored eggs, we had this little discussion:

There were also a couple of attempts at some Easter cakes....

Easter Morning

There was a little bunny parade leading the way to the offerings of the Easter Bunny.

Iain put together a little video of Easter morning...

On our way to Mass to celebrate the Resurrection....

Ahhh.....taking pictures of a two year old.

And when we finally get a sweet shot of her, then her mom looks like she's on drugs.

But my two loves seem to manage to always get a good one of the both of them.

And on a side note....

I can totally relate.

Sending Easter Blessings to all of you.

Year Book Time

2011-04-20T09:43:00.001-05:00

Remember that day each year in school when yearbooks came out from the previous year? Oh, what an exciting day that was! We couldn't wait to thumb through all those memories and wouldn't seem to tire from all the looking and reminicsing. Well, our Lewis Land Year Book came in for 2010 and I feel exactly the same way.

Last year I ordered my first Lewis Land Blog Book - encapsulating the first fifteen months of my blog. We just loved it and were shocked at how much our, then, 17 month old enjoyed perusing the pages.

Well, I just got in my 2010 Blog Book and I am equally as amazed and proud at this professionally published book. I love that it's become our family yearbook, documenting the highlights (and some lowlights) of our lives in Lewis Land. It makes me feel so good as the historian for our family to have this easy and creative outlet to preserve our memories.

I love writing and photography and story-telling, so blogging is a great fit for me. But there are many times I feel like throwing in the towel. I know myself - and I know that if I let the blog slide for too long - it would be too easy to give it up completely....which is why I post fairly regularly. Sometimes that commitment makes me feel a little like a slave to this whole bloggy world. But alas, as soon as this beautiful shiny book arrives at my door -- I am completely motivated to continue this little labor of love. It helps me remember that I'm doing this for me and my family --- not for an audience.

Both years that I have had books made, I have used the site Blog2Print. I do absolutely NOTHING except provide my http address and my credit card. I give them the range of dates I want printed and voila! I choose my cover theme and picture (there's a nice variety) and that's it. It's done. It's just that easy...unlike my Shutterfly Photo Books which take a little more (a lot more) time and effort.

I am sure that years down the road, these little yearbooks will become even more enjoyable and meaningful. I'm so grateful for this wonderful little invention.

Once upon a time...

2011-04-19T09:42:00.000-05:00

...there was a wonderful library that loved children.

They did almost anything they could think of to help the children to fall in love with reading.

Even a tea party for a bunch of pre-schoolers, toddlers and babies wasn't too big of a feat to pull off.

There's one little girl, in particular, who is especially fond of these story times and tea parties.

It may have something to do with the fact that they let her drink out of a 'real' cup.

Which seems to be a pretty big deal for a lot of little munchkins.

* * * * * * * * * *

And they even have special guests come and visit....

...which will certainly help my little girl live happily ever after.

25 Random Things About Me

2011-04-15T09:40:00.000-05:00

A while back there was a popular Facebook trend where people shared 25 Random Things about themselves. It was such fun reading people's creative thoughts and tidbits about themselves. I saved mine for a day when I had nothing to blog about or no time to blog.

In light of the fact that I'm having a garage sale tomorrow and an open house on Sunday, and my camera is in the shop - it looks like the time has come.
Lucky you! ;)

(On one of the rare days I straightened my hair.)

1. My dad used to tell me they almost named me Cinderella – then I’d be Cinderella Tartamella. (My dad STILL thinks he’s funny.)
2. I can remember some of the dreams I had when I was three and four years old.
3. I love bananas, but dislike anything flavored like banana; I’m not a big watermelon fan, but love anything watermelon flavored. Go figure.
4. Right before I had to give an address to a crowd of 2,000 people, my friend (on the stage) saw a spider crawling on my back. He flicked it off with his program just before I had to speak. About halfway through my speech, I found out where it ended up…….my cleavage. Aaaaagh! It crawled it’s way out (it’s a wonder it lived!) and I flicked it off for good....during my speech.
5. It took me a LONG time to find my true love…..but it was well worth the wait.
6. I met my husband on a blind date.
7. I had only had one bridesmaid at my wedding…..and ten priests!
8. I saw Pope John Paul II and Mother Theresa in person....each twice.
9. I never knew why they call them “Buffalo Wings” until recently.
10. I love watching the Food Network, TLC and HGTV, but equally enjoy the guilty pleasure of watching trashy reality shows on Bravo and E! (Giving them up was one of my Lenten sacrifices - and I'm happy to report that I really haven't missed them.)
11. I moved to Louisiana from Long Island, NY when I was 11. Was devastated to leave then – don’t ever want to leave now.
12. My dad went on five mission trips to Nicaragua. My husband is originally from Nicaragua. People continue to ask if my dad brought him home for me as a souvenir. (The nerve!)
13. On October 1, 2007 we turned in our adoption profile to our agency. I emailed our friends and family that day to say, “We’re done with our part; now we wait. We consider ourselves officially expecting.” Our daughter was born July 1, 2008…..exactly 9 months later. I took that as God’s sign that she was ours…and He’s been proving that reality ever since.
14. Upon meeting my grandmother’s not-so-couth little doctor, she gave me a head-to-toe glance and boldly proclaimed, “My, aren’t you sturdy!?” (Since then, I no longer use the word 'sturdy' and have banned the use of it in my home….except to quote this crappy little story burned in my memory.)
15. I have an amazing memory – but I often don’t trust it.
16. I love, love, love taking pictures editing them and making digital slide shows and photo books.
17. I used to think I was smart – until I tried a sudoku puzzle…I solved it – just at the pace of a “slow-learner.”
18. My favorite techie invention (next to blogging and FB), is Tivo. Every single day, for three and a half years – I’ve said, “Gotta love the Tivo!” (You can add Netflix to the list, too.)
19. My favorite sound in the universe is a baby giggling….particularly my baby. (A close second, is the sound of a bag of Doritos being opened.)
20. I love to travel – but love coming home even more.
21. Iain and I gave each other a treadmill for Christmas. We can’t wait to use it...maybe before next Christmas. (Gianna uses it as her 'diving board.')
22. I have godchildren who are quadruplets – they're my godquads.
23. I am determined that one day I will go to Italy – it’s my dream vacation.
24. When I was a kid, I dumped an enormous jar of pennies down my shirt….we later discovered
there was $20 worth of pennies in that jar. (This one’s for you, Monique.)
25. I am a great cook, but only once did one of my 'clever creations' made it to my "WHAT WAS I THINKING?" list. Incidentally, it's the only dish that actually made my dear husband sick...literally. (And, no - I'm not tell you what it was. :)

Car Chat

2011-04-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a FULL day - in a good way. That morning before we left for church we had to once again 'show ready', we brought our dog, Max, to my parents house since we'd be gone all day...and you never know when someone will call to see the house. (This 'just in case' mode is starting to wear me out....and it's only been 3 weeks.) And of course, no one called to see the house.

After our fun day with our dearest friends, we picked up Max and from my parent's and desperately tried to keep Gianna from sleeping in the car since she had missed her nap and was whooped! She asked to hold Max (which I usually don't do - for Max's sake) and I obliged.

It was really comical. I didn't get the funniest part of the ride on video, but I did manage to flim a little chat.