Well, it happened. We sold our home. The closing was on Friday. It was a closing on so many different levels. Not only did we bid adieu to our home, but we painfully ended the chapter in our lives that contained Iain. People keep encouraging me to focus on the adventure ahead, but I'm not quite there. I'm very aware of the reality of our lives, but I'm just doggone sad about it. This closing was supposed to be filled with promise and hope of our next chapter in our family's life. Instead it represented a very marked end to our family as we knew it. I was so afraid of breaking down during the closing. I didn't. I also tried not to speak much or make eye contact with anyone.
My head is still spinning from all the packing, hauling, organizing, downsizing and moving. All our belongings are in storage, Gianna and I are at my parents, and once again we are living in limbo.
There are decisions to make, paths to navigate, tasks to juggle, grief to manage and a little girl to raise. I feel like I'm teetering on the abyss. I try to embrace the moment and not anticipate the future, but it's not an easy task. The future doesn't seem as exciting and hopeful as everyone seems to be telling me. I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just sad...and scared....and overwhelmed. I know I'll be fine. I know this is temporary. This is just where I am...and I'm not fond of this chapter.
Our home in Moss Bluff gave me comfort. Gianna too. She's sad. She knows it wasn't just about our home -- it was about her Daddy. The goodbye was big.
So, we'll just keep moving on and taking each challenge as it comes. I'm weary. I keep begging God to go easy on the 'lessons'. These days I feel a little bratty as a child of God. I'm glad He's big enough to handle it.
I really do know there is more healing and joy ahead...I just have to be honest to my experience. I wish I could help people understand that the presence of hope and joy does not mean the absense of pain and sorrow. The more time that passes, the heavier the ache of missing Iain becomes.
Please pray for us through this transition.
Maria...please don't worry about what everyone may seem to expect of you right now. This is YOURS and Gianna's journey. Each moment, each day, each emotion is yours to move through in your own space and time and not one of us knows the pain and fear that seems to consume you on some days, I'm sure. Another person's pain and/ or grief tends to make most people feel uncomfortable and so they want you to move through it as quickly as possible and to see the joy and hope that they see for you on the other side. Grief is unique to each person experiencing it...take your time....let God heal your heart and bring you through this in the way that is right for you and G. You are both always in my thoughts and prayers. Nate and I are looking forward to a play date soon. Much love and peace,
ReplyDeleteLisa
Wow! I don't think anyone could say it better than Lisa just did! Take your time and know that we love you and Gianna very much!! Thinking of you both often & looking forward to that photo book time we talked about very soon!! Kelli
ReplyDeleteMaria, I will continue to pray for you and Gianna during this transition. Please let me know if you need anything! Hopefully we can catch up this summer :)
ReplyDelete