Sunday, August 28, 2011

How do I even begin?

I've written about 17 posts (in my head in the middle of the night as I stare at the ceiling), but all my thoughts seems too raw or too trite.  I have so much I want to say - but I don't even know where to begin. This is my weak attempt at a beginning.

I cannot believe this is my life.  I cannot believe it's been two weeks since my husband died. (I cannot believe I just typed that sentence!)  It's the first time in nine years that I have gone more than a day without speaking to him.  Surreal is the only word I can come up with that describes my state of being and it seems so inadequate. 

I began this blog almost three years ago to document the 'ordinary and extraordinary moments of our lives.' I have, with few exceptions, blogged primarily for myself and my little family. The bonus was that people we knew (and some I met through the blogospher) could keep up with us.  I've used this blog to share pictures, stories, antecdotes, philosophies, ideas, recipes, videos, and well, just life.

Life has now changed.  I have such a need to be real and to share this experience of loss and tragedy in our lives and how it relates to my spiritual journey and my child.  I also have a need to blog about the regular, vanilla events that become woven into the fabric of our lives.  I want to continue to gush about our beautiful daughter and share all the joys and challenges of parenting her.  I want to share my pain and my questions and my heart.  I want to post crockpot recipes and craft ideas.  Does that all belong in the same place?  Who knows.  It will belong in this place. I have no idea what direction this blog will take...but I need to be authentic and continue to blog primarily for myself and my little family.

I know people are wanting to know how we are.  I'll begin be saying that we are surviving. We are functioning with relative normalcy (which is astounding to me) and at the same time we are just dipping our toes in this vast ocean called grief.  I'm fairly certain we're still numb - which is a little disconcerting and a little bit of a relief at the same time. As time passes and reality sets in -- I'm sure the intensity of our grief will increase.  I try not to think of that too often because I'm acutely aware that I am only able to handle what today brings:  "our daily bread."

Someone asked if there are good days and bad days.  For me, the answer is "no." Not now, anyway.  Everyday there is joy and laughter (thank you God for the radiant light of Gianna!). Every day there is intense sadness.  Every day there is peace.  Every day there is discontent and restlessness.  Every day there is hope. Every day there are fears. Every day there are unexpected meltdowns (from both of us.) As you can tell, my days are full --- and empty at the same time.  What a bizarre place to be.  I will tell you this:  we are riding on the wings of prayer and love and amazing support.  Our lives are forever changed...but they are not over.

Please be patient with me.  Please be understanding and accepting of my unique place in life.  Please remind me to do the same. Please cover us in prayer. Please.

16 comments:

  1. I have followed your story for a short time. I am overwhelmed at your strength and courage in this time. Please know that you are blanketed in prayers and love.

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  2. Maria. Many prayers from McKinney. I am glad to read your post this morning. I've been looking forward to it. No matter what direction your blog takes, I'll be following it.

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  3. Maria- I am so glad to read this post...I think about you everyday and wonder how you are doing. So many people love you and pray for you every single day- including me :) You and G are such rays of light!

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  4. Maria, it is so good to hear from you. You and your family have been and continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. Your strength and faith are beautiful to witness.

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  5. Dear Maria, As others have said, you are an amazing woman. I know that grief is like a tsunami, overwhelming us unexpectedly at times. I think you already know this. I continue to pray for you and for your daughter, Gianna. Somehow the words of Julian of Norwich always comfort me: "All will be well, and all manner of things will be well." It's God's promise to us, I believe. May you know continued moments of peace and grace as you continue on your journey.
    Stella

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  6. We will be here, for anything you need, as you and Gianna journey forward. Be assured of our prayers. You amaze me Maria, and you always have!

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  7. Maria - it sounds like blogging is exactly what you need - whether it's for you or for everyone else. I think of you & Gianna often - I pray that you continue to heal and that all the love of your friends & family help you both to do so.

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  8. Maria,

    The fact that you are able to put your thoughts/feelings down on paper right now is phenomenal, as is your generosity of spirit in sharing it with your readers. The journey ahead of you and G will be a long and hard one, but it will be shrouded in moments of love and laughter and peace as you've already seen. Your faith is remarkable and inspiring as it has been for as long as I've known you. Thank you for sharing that with others, especially me and my boy.
    I am here to support you in prayer and with love always and to walk beside you any time that's what you need. Use me, please.
    Much love...

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  9. I think of you every day and I will pray for you always. It's a very interesting thing - grief. Some days I think, I want to be somewhere else but when I get there I don't want to be there either. It's the strangest thing to have moments of intense joy in the midst of such heartache. I appreciate your honesty. There is no need to worry about what you write, just that if writing provides a healing balm for a wound then apply generously. And sometimes, words fail to express the deep feelings and emotions that surround great joy and great sorrow. Trust the process beautiful one and know that you are deeply loved.

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  10. Maria,

    I have to admit that I am not great about keeping up with your blog. My sister is so much more of a consistent reader. We were both so moved by your post. Of course, I am glad to hear from you and to know how you and Gianna are doing.

    On a deeper level, I thank you for putting into words the dilemma of grief. Being able to articulate the constantly changing reality endured by that those of us who grieve is quite a feat. I thank you for having the courage to describe and own your feelings. It truly helps me. Thank you for being authentic and such a strong, smart, articulate woman.

    I love you-- and have since we were 12!

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  11. I am amazed and inspired by your strength Maria!! Your spirituality and your love for life and people is something that I have ALWAYS admired about you!!! I know that it is that strength and your faith in our Lord that will carry you through this! You and Gianna are on my mind daily and in my prayers every single day!! My family is praying for you both all the time and I want you to know how much I love you!!! God Bless you Maria and Gianna!!!

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  12. Thank you for your update. Please know you're still in my thoughts, you always have been.

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  13. Maria you are amazing! I have been through this with two good friends in the last year and a half and there were moments that seemed so normal and then the memory would hit. We were filling insurance forms out and Jennifer looked at me and said " Roma this is a crazy question but do I have to check single? I don't feel single!" it is a crazy road to navigate but you are doing a wOnderful job and you will teach Gianna so much!
    Roma

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  14. just remember you never have to explain yourself. Not here, on your blog and not in your daily routine. I heard once, that it is not time that will heal you, it is what you do with that time.
    I love you and support you, always

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  15. Maria, Know that you are in our prayers everyday. Your strength is amazing and I know your faith and family will guide you... With much Love, Kari

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  16. Maria, I was so moved and heartbroken when I spoke to Dana last week. I was completely unaware of the situation and my heart aches for you and Gianna. The last time I got to see you and lain was at Hunter's birthday party, was it 2 or 3 years ago? Time flies so fast, I have a hard time keeping up! I could feel the love in the room, from the two of you and your beautiful baby girl. I don't think I have ever seen a more proud daddy than I saw that day. You were both a little sleep deprived, but radiated joy and love as you rocked and fed her. I will never forget that day. I just wish I could have had the time to come visit and truly get to know your family. You girls are constantly in my thoughts and prayers and I hope to get to Moss Bluff for a visit soon. Take care of each other and we love you. Stacey Garbarino

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