Well, it happened. We sold our home. The closing was on Friday. It was a closing on so many different levels. Not only did we bid adieu to our home, but we painfully ended the chapter in our lives that contained Iain. People keep encouraging me to focus on the adventure ahead, but I'm not quite there. I'm very aware of the reality of our lives, but I'm just doggone sad about it. This closing was supposed to be filled with promise and hope of our next chapter in our family's life. Instead it represented a very marked end to our family as we knew it. I was so afraid of breaking down during the closing. I didn't. I also tried not to speak much or make eye contact with anyone.
My head is still spinning from all the packing, hauling, organizing, downsizing and moving. All our belongings are in storage, Gianna and I are at my parents, and once again we are living in limbo.
There are decisions to make, paths to navigate, tasks to juggle, grief to manage and a little girl to raise. I feel like I'm teetering on the abyss. I try to embrace the moment and not anticipate the future, but it's not an easy task. The future doesn't seem as exciting and hopeful as everyone seems to be telling me. I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just sad...and scared....and overwhelmed. I know I'll be fine. I know this is temporary. This is just where I am...and I'm not fond of this chapter.
Our home in Moss Bluff gave me comfort. Gianna too. She's sad. She knows it wasn't just about our home -- it was about her Daddy. The goodbye was big.
So, we'll just keep moving on and taking each challenge as it comes. I'm weary. I keep begging God to go easy on the 'lessons'. These days I feel a little bratty as a child of God. I'm glad He's big enough to handle it.
I really do know there is more healing and joy ahead...I just have to be honest to my experience. I wish I could help people understand that the presence of hope and joy does not mean the absense of pain and sorrow. The more time that passes, the heavier the ache of missing Iain becomes.
Please pray for us through this transition.