Trust Me Enough

I little over a year ago a precious friend gave me a copy of this devotional, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  It's been a HUGE blessing to me and I devour the mediations each day. I even got an app on my phone with the daily meditations ~ SO worth it.

Interestingly my friend suddenly lost her husband six week prior to Iain's death.  We're walking a similar path and I'm so grateful to have her perspective and friendship. 

I thought there might be some folks who could relate to today's post. 

February 10th ~ Trust Me Enough

Trust Me enough to spend ample time with Me, pushing back the demands of the day.  Refuse to feel guilty about something that is so pleasing to Me, the King of the universe.  Because I am omnipotent, I am able to bend time and events in your favor.  You will find that you can accomplish more in less time, after you have given yourself to Me in rich communion.  Also, as you align yourself with My perspective, you can sort out what is important and what is not. 

Don’t fall into the trap of being constantly on the go.  Many, many things people do in My Name have no value in My kingdom.  To avoid doing meaningless work, stay in continual communication with Me.  I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you. 

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." ~Luke 10:41-42

I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.  ~Psalm 32:8 (NASB)

A Widow's Peek....

Widow.  Ugh.  And I thought the term 'housewife' bothered me!  Oh how I would love to trade in my widow card for my housewife card.  And then just throw 'single-mother' title into the mix and you have a whole bag of fun.

I'm 3 1/2 months into this world of widow-hood and it's as brutal as you might expect.  Lately, the waves of grief crash with unrelenting force and there is little time between them. I can feel them coming on, almost like an emotional contraction, and as I take my cleansing breath I wonder how many hours or days the next set of waves will last before I might breathe again.

Gianna says it best when she declares, "I just wish Daddy will stop dying."  That's what it feels like to me too:  he keeps dying - and our hearts keep breaking - over and over and over.  It's exhausting. It's gripping. It's hollowing.  It's isolating.  It's lonely. It's humbling. It's excruciating.  It's the most vulnerable I've ever been.  It's my existence right now....and I won't lie --- I don't like any of it.

I miss him.  My soul aches. I have no words to describe the pain of longing and missing and wanting things to be different.  Sometimes I feel like a spoiled child yelling, "I don't want to do this anymore."  I have fantasies about God coming to me and saying, "Oh Maria, what a trial you've had to endure.  I'm so proud of you and how you have dealt with this, so as I reward I will be making all things as they should be. Go and get ready because I will be sending Iain back to you and Gianna in his happiest and healthiest state."

Oh, don't worry ~ I'm not delusional. Trust me when I tell you that I am very grounded in my reality these days.  I just don't happen to like my reality ~ AT ALL.  I know I'm not the only one.  I often think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done.” Luke: 22:42 I'm certainly not in the position to assume what Jesus' actual feelings were, but he wasn't just fully divine - he was also fully human, and in believing in his humanity, I would have to guess that he wasn't so excited about his cross either. His faithfulness is what we remember ("not my will but yours be done,") but his faithfulness doesn't erase his humanity ("take this cup away from me").  That's where I am....feeling the reality and depths of my humanity.

I think people assume because I am a woman of faith, that these kind of trials and crosses are somehow easier.  People have said to me, "You'll be fine. You have such strong faith. If anyone can handle this, you can."  I know they mean well, but it's almost offensive to me and it really invalidates my very human, very painful grief.  Oh, I can write a book on what helps and what doesn't in dealing with someone who is grieving - maybe not a book - but a post is in the works, for sure. 

I am not writing this glimpse into my grief to gain sympathy or pity.  (Trust me, I get looks of pity all the time - and it's not so fun.)  I just think people see me (and Gianna) in public fairly often - doing what we do - living our lives with whatever semblance of normalcy we can - and there is an assumption that life isn't so hard. People often tell me that are so impressed that we are doing so well. Sometimes I correct them, "Oh, I'm not okay - but I am managing." I feel like an absolute WRECK 90% of the time.

I'm learning how much energy it takes to do 'normal' things - especially in public.  Going to birthday parties, weddings (brutal), and church (longest hour of my week) are not always miserable - but it takes every bit of energy to survive them.  Even just to grocery shop it takes me isles and isles of Hail Mary's just to make it to the car without losing it.  And just because you don't see me cry or Gianna fall apart - doesn't me we don't.

There are SO many people who are struggling with all sorts of pain and grief which I'm sure is amplified during this holiday season - you know, the happiest time of the year.  I wonder how many people in our lives are begging to be reached out to and are suffering in silence as the rest of us complain about too many party invitations, how we'll manage to get our shopping done and how we don't have anything to wear for Christmas day.  Yeah, it's all small potatoes, folks. Even if you pick an angel off a tree at the mall to buy presents for, even if you donate a Christmas basket at church - this just a reminder to actually  connect to with real people - in person (facebook and texting is a nice 2nd best - but isn't the same as a phonecall or visit). 

* * * * * * * * * * *

Before I close, I do want to say that there are times of joy and fun and normalcy in my daily life.  I know I seem morose - and I am, I guess - but I am not hopeless or without faith - just walking through the fire of this journey of grief.  The very best thing that people tell me is that they are praying for us - all of us - Iain too. Thank you to all those people who have continued to lift us in prayer.  May you be richly blessed.

When life gives you lemons....

....then you may have to have a mini-meltdown, mutter inaudible choice words under your breath, whine and complaint a little bit, and throw yourself a pity party before put your big girl panties on...

...and then make lemonade.

* * * * * * * *
Our latest batch of lemons are of the real estate variety.
You may remember we listed our house for sale in the Spring.

Twenty couples went through our house and 93 days into the process - we got an offer!

We were beyond thrilled since keeping the house 'show ready' with Hurricane Gianna was beginning to take a toll.  The buyers were solid and wanted a closing 45 after we negotiated a contract instead of the customary 30 days.  That was awesome for us since we wanted a little time to secure a house in LC.  We found one quickly - perfect for our family and beyond our expectations.  It was in a precious neighborhood on a cul-du-sac with only one other house (only two houses on the street.)  Everything seemed to be falling into place - and our big confirmation was that the name of our street was our last name.  We just knew that was a sign.

So inspections were done on both homes, appraisals were complete, and all the hoops were jumped through.

Closing date on both homes was set for August 10th.

That's today.

It didn't happen.

Neither of them.

Two weeks ago we had a hard time getting exact information on the closing of our home.  The buyer's lender wasn't returning calls to the buyer, his agent or our agent. We were concerned, but not worried since we heard that many of the big lending companies sometimes drag their feet.  The buyer was furious with his lender and pulled his profile and said he'd be getting another lender.

It all went downhill from there.

Ten days ago, we got a call from our realtor (and good friend) to tell us that the deal fell through.  The mortgage company denied financing (they had already given them an approval letter) and his government job was in jeopardy due to budget cuts (so he says.)

So, not only did we lose the sale of our house - but the new house in LC was contingent on the sale of our home.  We were sick.  All three families had packed up their homes.  We have been hauling boxes to a storage unit in LC for weeks.  About 80% of our belongings are in storage.

(Gianna keeps telling people, "You wanna come to our house?  IT'S EMPTY!!!!")

We felt so terrible for the people whose house we would be buying.  Even though we weren't directly responsible for the breakdown of the deal - we knew how horrible it would be for them.

We still had the hope that maybe we'd quickly get a buyer so we could purchase the awesome house we loved -- but today we learned that there is a new offer on that house. So, here we sit....in an empty house, back at square one, having missed almost six weeks of showing our home during prime buying time and now having to start from scratch. UGH!!!!!

For us, it felt like being left at the altar.  Oh, it could have been MUCH worse and we are very aware that these are definitely first world whinings. We are blessed to have a home as nice as we do, our health and our family.

Interestingly, we just went through a similar upset in our adoption journey.  I haven't even wanted to blog about that, because I haven't fully processed it all.  The thumbnail version is that back in April we were told we were chosen by a birthmother.  We were thrilled to learn that the baby would be born four weeks later.  We told no one ~ not even our parents.  We decided that we would tell people as soon as we met with the birthmom.  Two weeks later, Iain took off work so we could travel to a neighboring city and meet our birthmother for the first time.  As we got ready to get in the car, my phone rang and I heard the regretful tone of our social worker's voice.

"I'm so sorry, the birthmother changed her mind."

It was a kick in the gut.

Part of the negative is having to prepare Gianna for possible big changes in our lives, get her psyched, and then completely change gears.  She is such a trooper! She is playing with TWO toys since everything else is in storage.  And she continues to pray for 'Ms. Karen to sell our house' and 'for God to send us a baby brother and a baby sister." (She says 'and' - I say 'or'!!!)

So, we're in limbo - not just in the adoption arena, but in real estate as well.

We really do have faith in a bigger plan that we cannot see.  We really do have faith that God has not forgotten us and that He has our best interests at heart.  Even though we are not quite so sure what these events are supposed to be teaching us - we do believe that we are called to be faithful - regardless of our understanding of God's Plan (or lack thereof.)

We are praying that we will handle this challenge with positivity and grace and that we can trust in God's bigger plan.

Sooo....I've got my big girl panties on, but I'm still a little whiny when we are

reminded of all the ways this event has inconvenienced our lives.  We do know this is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. Twenty years down the road, this will just be a "remember when..."  But for now, it stinks.  We feel much better than we did last week when it all happened. Maybe for my next pity party, I'll be able to serve lemonade.

This is certainly not the end of the story.

I look forward to watching God's plan unfold....

maybe while drinking a glass of lemonade. :)

"NO" - a 'yes' in disguise!

No.  It's a tiny little word yielding a tremendous amount of power.  It can be frustrating to hear and frightening to say.  It can be an ending or a beginning.  It is mostly perceived as negative, but can be the gateway to many positive things.

I know you are thinking that this post will be about my two year old's use of the word, but it's not.  It's really not even about the word -- just the meaning behind it.

Let's rewind many years to session of spiritual direction.  I was working in ministry.  I was stretched thinner than I had ever been and was seriously suffering from the 'Need to Please Disease."  All the things I was involved in at the time were wonderful ways of giving to others....but I was miserable.  I just couldn't figure out a fix.  I felt obligated, required and called to 'do good' (and probably to 'look good' by 'doing good.')

Well, my spiritual director questioned my need to say 'yes' to most everything that was asked of me.  I was a little confused, because I really believed I was doing the right thing and that I was making God very proud.   "No." seemed so harsh and negative and shameful to me.  I will never forget her words to me...

"Ah, Maria.  It is "no's" that give much more meaning and power to each of your "yeses." 

Even though I've come such a long way since that dismal time in my life, I continually have to be reminded about that truthful nugget of wisdom - especially now that I must be a model for my daughter.

Lately, I've had to use my no's quite a lot. I expected to be filled with guilt and maybe even a touch of shame. I've been surprised to have found quite the opposite. I am filled with relief and peace.


One example was a recent choice to participate in a women's study circle - one of the few things I've done for myself lately.  It got so stressful and frustrating with my husband's increased work schedule, other unexpected issues coming up and figuring out how to parent my challenging two year old.  I backed out. "No."  I had to give myself permission to quit something I'd started. I looked at all the busy moms of many kids who were able to keep that commitment - and sighed.  Then I took a deep breath and got over myself and then found peace.  There will be time for that in another chapter of my life.

Another 'no' was to a ministry - serving on the Board of Director's of the Pro-Life Agency largely responsible for our adoption.  It started out a do-able commitment, which snowballed into a consuming effort.  There was major guilt involved in this one.  ("But you're helping to save babies!" someone told me. Ugh.)  I mulled over this one for a while, prayed about it and finally realized that there was one baby that I was given TREMENDOUS responsibility for....MINE!  I chose to stay home so I can be here when she needed me, when she was sick, when she was going through rough stages, so I can enjoy every bit of her.  It became clear to me that my 'no' was a YES in disguise.  It was near impossible to feel guilty about saying yes to my family. 

As we meander our way through this season of Advent, we remember another woman who's 'no' gave meaning to her ultimate YES. The 'no' was to her own will....her own plans.....her own dreams that she had for her life.  That YES became our Savior.

My prayer is that we can all still ourselves enough to know what we are called to say no and yes to.  Happy Advent.

Baptism

A year ago today, Gianna was baptized. That week we had a visit from my in-laws (for the baptism and to meet Gianna), a nasty hurricane brewing in the Gulf and we began packing up our house and car preparing for an evacuation (without my husband.) We almost cancelled since many people couldn't come. But, we didn't. It was crazy, but it was special and beautiful. (The pictures are from our Scrapbook. You should be able to click on them to enlarge them.)

I think this last one is my favorite.

She is being annointed with holy oil by Monsignor Dubois sporting that sweet gummy grin and dimple.

Right after the baptism, we had cake at the rectory. My parents had initially planned a catered reception following the baptism (1st grandchild. 'Nuff said.) which had to be cancelled due to the impending threat of Hurricane Gustav. Iain had to go to work (he gets locked in the plant during hurricane evacuations) and Gianna & I evacuated along with WAY too much stuff and our dog, Max. As stressful as all that was, I kept telling myself, "At least Gianna's an infant - I'd hate to be doing this alone with a mobile toddler." Well, let's just say that this year we're praying HARD for a quiet storm season.

Happy Baptism Anniversary, Little One.

I look so forward to celebrating this special anniversary with you every year.

May you always walk in the footsteps of Christ and in the light of His Holy Spirit.

God bless you always.