Thursday, April 05, 2012


As we enter the Sacred Triduum and celebrate Holy Thursday, the last Supper, the washing of the feet and Jesus' agony in the garden (Gethsemane) ~ I find that it is easy to experience Jesus' full humanity.  I can relate to Jesus in Gethsemane.

"My soul is sorrowful even unto death."

I can relate to the deep pain and sorrow. I can relate knowing there are crosses that we carry unto death. 

"Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done."

I can relate to the questioning God's plan.  I can relate to desperately wanting the 'cup' (my impending cross) to be taken from me. I can relate to the call to claim this cross as mine - renouncing my own will and accepting the will of the Father.

"Keep watch and remain here with me."

I can relate to not wanting to carry this cross alone.  I can relate to feeling disappointed that many people aren't there for me in the way I want or need them to be.  I can relate to utter loneliness in the cross.

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I can relate to that Jesus in Gethsemane. I get him. I know him.  His pain and grief was consuming.  It was bigger than mine - than ours.

During the Holy Thursday liturgy, I cry every time at The Washing of the Feet. It really gets to me.  I am moved that, even knowing what was ahead of him, Jesus looked outside of himself, humbled himself, and served.  What a powerful witness.

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Today Gianna and I finished our special novena to St. Joseph....on Holy Thursday.  On Iain's birthday.

Today, Iain would have been forty-one.  (All of a sudden, that number seems small.) Today he celebrated his first birthday in heaven. Gianna and I imagined what his celebration might have been like.  I asked her what she thought Daddy was doing on his birthday in heaven.  "Praying for you, Mommy."  My sweet, wise child.

I never knew just how many firsts and milestones there would be on this grief journey. Sometimes they wash over me like a gentle rain and sometimes they sweep me up in hurricane of emotion and anxiety.  I try very hard not to let any date or anniversary have any sort of power over me. I refuse to let the calendar dictate my path of grief.  However, there is emotion (both painful and gifting) in the remembrances, the thoughts and prayers.

I, in my typical fashion, overplanned the day in my head.  Quite often, the exhausting element of grief pulls the reigns in on my big plans ~ thankfully!  It was a simiple day.  Gianna and I spent most of it quietly at home.  Later in the afternoon we drove to the cemetery. (I still can't believe that when I talk about visiting my husband - it's at a cemetery.)

I took Gianna to the mall to eat supper.  Chick-fil-A for her.  Sushi for me ~ in honor of Iain. Oh how I miss our sushi dates.  I bought her a double doozy cookie in lieu of the cupcake I'd promised her all day.  I think it sufficed.  We ended the day with Holy Thursday Mass.  Fitting.

Happy Birthday, my Love. Be at peace.

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