Tuesday, January 01, 2013

New Year Greetings...from the absentee blogger

I've had a million things to blog about this last month...but not an ounce of energy or want-to to make it happen. 

December kicked my pants (and that's putting it mildly). Survival was the order of the day.  My child morphed into an unrecognizable beast (sounds cruel - but I'm telling you --- it was horrid!) who challenged every bit of my being (and some of her teacher's as well). I don't know really what cause the downward spiral (usually I have an idea) - and I've discovered than I'll never be able to separate grief from typical challenging four year old behavior.  Forever it will be intertwined - for both of us I'm sure.  It was a horrible experience and it sent me into a terrible, dark place.  I think I went to bed every night crying - out of pure exhaustion and despair.  It was rotten and I felt like a complete failure -- and somehow I still had to make a happy Christmas happen for her.  I have no idea how I made it through. (Well, I do - but I'm still surprised I made it through.)

People assume grief is worse during the holidays.  For many I know it is -- more milestones with an obvious and painful absense.  For me, I suspect that will be more true in a few years.  Right now, it's all the same. The weight of Iain's absence and my grief it is continual and burdensome. I breathe more - that's different than a year ago. I'm grateful for that. But certainly, grief doesn't ever take a vacation, so that added on top of my daily parenting struggles made for quite an emotional hurricane - Category V.  And that whole Newtown, Connecticut tragedy nearly did me in.  I didn't watch much coverage - but really, you didn't have to in order to experience the gravity of the terror.

On another note, I ordered my Christmas  cards in November - a record for me.  They are still sitting in the box.  I couldn't do it. I never did find my address list.   I'll get to it eventually - hopefully this week.  I chose my child instead. I am glad for that. I held her a lot and played with her more than usual and figured folks would be glad to get cards any time.  Maybe now I can write a few thoughtful messages without being panicked I'll miss the postal deadline.

I am sitting here not sure what this New Year's means for me.  I want to be full of hope and goals and resolutions - but I'm not. Part of me is still in trauma-mode bracing myself for the next big kick in the pants.  I hate that and I feel guilty for it.  I'm typically a very optimistic person.  It's just where I am right now.  Maybe it's because I am a little paralysed in terms of looking far into my future.  Honestly, I can only look far enough to bedtime each day.  Living one day at a time has taking on a new meaning. My positive spin ~ maybe I'm living out the resolution that many people aspire to.  Who knows?

I'm grasping on to my mustard seed faith.  I know God is here amidst the mess. the muck, the sadness.  Oh, the sadness.  Honestly, I think it intensifies with the passing of time. I miss him - more and more.  It's seems like forever since he left. It's been sixteen months and in broad scheme of things - it's not all that long ago. I'm still experiencing the rawness and newness of it all daily.  And some of it, I get used to. And when I have moments of that awareness, I cry.  I'm not sure I want to be used to it.

So, I guess my new year is full of prayer. I cling to the little bit of hope and faith that I have.  That's is as good as it gets. And maybe it's all it needs to be right now. 

I plan on back-dating some posts for this December.  And now that I think of it - I didn't blog at all last Christmas either.  Maybe I'll back-date some of those posts too.  Maybe.

No promises for future blogging.  I'll do what I can do.

This new year has GOT to be better.  It just has to. Please, God.

I hope it's better for you, too.

And if you made it through this pathetically bleak update, here's your happy ending....and beginning.
Today Gianna turns 4 1/2.
As hard as it's been, she really is my my joy.


  1. Tried to post earlier but my phone froze up. I am so sorry we were not able to get together the past two months. Grief is a heartbreaking thing. It can stifle and smother your life. I am looking so forward to seeing you and Gianna Monday, jayda is excited about coming too!!

  2. Anyway to finish the comment above, I will continue to keep you in my prayers, for peace in your mind and heart, for restful sleep, for strength to get up each day and keep moving. Love y'all, see you very soon

  3. Maria, this was an incredibly descriptive blog of strength and courage. I love and admire your daily struggle to put one foot in front of the other and to live each day minute by minute. You & Gianna are loved to the moon and back...and as Maggie replies, "but I love you to infinity and beyond."
    PS. To have a mustard seed of faith after the last 16 months is huge. Let God carry you when you can't walk.With continued prayer. Mary Ellen


It means a lot that you took the time to leave a message!

Related Posts with Thumbnails